christy fantz
Christy Fantz

D ear Christy,

What is the optimum number of people you need to have slept with to be a hit on the dating scene?

--A publicist

 

Dear Press Release:

This is what you answered to your own question:

"According to a survey conducted by dating website SeekingArrangement.com, the answer is: a perfect TEN."

Whew.

My granny panties have been twisted raw since I sought the answer to this query.

I know you didn't pen this publicity in search of a response, Ms. Release, but please allow Fantz to get all up in your pants.

Bummer. I grew up thinking personality would land me on the dating scene hit list.

Spank me if I'm wrong, but isn't it personality that pimps the privates?

Apparently not. Clearly to be "a hit" on the dating scene, we need to think with our waxed wangs. And vaginas.

If this question were human, I'd bumpaddle* it raw.

Let's pause and re-read it.

What is the optimum number of people you need to have slept with to be a hit on the dating scene?

Pray tell the definition of "a hit?"

"A hit," like that one dude in a shiny shirt who dances like the wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man?

Or maybe "a hit," like that VIP-room broad who raises way too many roofs?

Or does your "hit" aspiration look to that chick who pops it like a prairie dog? (Like you haven't seen those homies drop it like it's hot).

Let's get one thing straight, lady. If you have to ask the question, your "hit" spot has been recalled.

If said survey finds that if we bop 10 bones, we're hit-worthy, then get to work friends. Your diary told me you're way behind.

*Free Fantz spank for "Arrested Development" fans.

 

Dear Christy,

I've always had bad experiences with the Greeks on campus, but I met this really nice guy in a frat who asked me out. He seems cool, but I hear all these stories about roofies and stuff. Should I go for it?

--Just a Jane

 

Frat frenzy:

When I was in college, I was not also not gaga for Greeks.

Then I stumbled into a party. After getting plastered by free beer, I managed to cope with my feelings.

Rule No. 1: (Nope. It's not: "Do not talk about 'Fight Club.'" Put that back on the 2002 shelf.) An organization should not define a person.

Rule No. 2: If said organization takes over the personal label: not good. (Think Tom Cruise and his Scientology branding -- or musicians formerly known as talented who now give network singing shows blow jobs.

Rule No. 3: Quit pigeonholing the pretty boys and see the dude for his personality.

Just because there's Greek letters on his chest doesn't mean he's burying prostitutes in a "secret" chamber.

However, he may be burying peanuts in his pubes.

People are weird, man.