F antz is out sick with a bad case of hot-piece-of-ass-itis. As a non-married 24-year-old disaster, I feel qualified to fill in. Here we go.

Dear Dr. Dean,

I've been in a happy marriage for several years now, but lately whenever my husband and I are intimate I have the insatiable desire to make animal noises. Since we live a vegan lifestyle, I'm concerned that this could be my repressed carnivore expressing itself in the pits of passion.


Grounded Sexual Needs Within Ground Beef

Furry friend,

A wise band once sang, "You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammal, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel."

While I wouldn't suggest dropping that line to get your husband in the mood, I do think you're on the brink of some seriously freaky stuff you might want to talk about.

You might be a Furry. That means you've got an inner animal just dying to get out and, in this case, do some mating. Being a Furry isn't a strictly sexual thing, but it can definitely be a fetish.

This isn't a craving for meat (at least not the kind you cook on a grill). Quit worrying about your repressed carnivore and worry about your repressed animal. Let it out. And since you're keen on making some noise, maybe pick one that sounds sexy. No one wants to hear mooing in bed, and it's inevitably going to lead to some horrifying boobs-as-udder weirdness.


I just barfed in my mouth. Gonna need a big juicy hamburger to get that taste out of my mouth.

Not sorry.

Dear Substitute Fantz,

I need help breaking up with a longtime childhood friend. I recently realized she's embarrassing and trashy, and I am sick of making excuses for her when she randomly takes off her shirt in a bar. She's an alcoholic, and not in a fun way. Also, she always shows my dad her butt. Seriously.

Tired of the Tits

BFF (Best Friend Faker),

Yep, it's time to break those friendship bracelets. I'm not sure what the exact term is, but I think repeatedly mooning a BFF's dad is known as "majorly uncool, dude."

Try easing out by not returning phone calls, etc. If she's persistent, you might have to go "Mean Girls." Tell her she can't hang out with you if she's not wearing pink, and no, her vag doesn't count. Tell her to stop trying to make mooning happen. It's not going to happen. Under no circumstances should you send her a candy cane this Christmas (save it for Glenn Coco).

But really, phasing her out can't be any more uncomfortable than things already are. Lose her.