Your Boulder date-night sweetheart Kristy Holland had her day job trump her "Got Plans?" column job (that's OK, the poor girl gets rubles and occasional pizza for this gig, so we absolve her), so yours truly is subbing in for ye lovelorn Boulderites.
Let's talk Halloween.
Oh, you're sick of hearing about it? Too bad. It's not going anywhere.
Plus, I've got some stellar costume ideas for a twosome. If you're single, grab a buddy and maybe it will turn into a "better" buddy. That's right.
Outfit: You twos underneath a felt magical horse's back. Aw. Perfect makeout time. Plus, just like mustaches and zombies, who doesn't like a glittery legendary creature? Don't let your drunk friends ride you. In any insinuation of said word.
Prop du jour: Put a mustache on him.
Bieber and Selena
Outfit: Obviously, the Justin Bieber shag. If you can't do it, buy a wig. Gigantic, bright shoes (which you probably have) -- tongue on the outside, neon Ray-Bans and a microphone headset.
Prop du jour: Selena Gomez is such a sweet little soul. She has five rescue dogs. Get five little stuffed buddies and carry them around with you. And also a slutty dress. Clearly.
Fifty Shades of Grey
Outfit: Go to Hobby Lobby and gather 50 literal shades of gray between the two of you -- felt, card stock, flowers, buttons, iron-ons, lace, leather, ties, bows -- and fix 'em all over your billboard body.
Prop du jour: Whips, cuffs and sex toys. They'll come in handy later.
Pony and Brony
Outfit: Let the lady sparkle just like a "My Little Pony." Get a shimmering blue tail and mane, then dig up some hooves for hands. Sparkle! Sparkle is key. Maybe draw a rainbow on your arse or something too.
Prop du jour: Brony, you need about 30 Little Ponies, so get your ass to the thrift store. You've got your living sparkle Pony with her little rainbow tushy, so make sure you stock up on your little glittery friends. You're a brony. Also, maybe wear some lace panties, because you're are a strange breed, my friend.
Outfit: Aw, these cute buddies from "Game of Thrones" would be such a nice little fuzzy couple's outfit. Then, if you're into furries, you're set for the night. Heed: They are an extremely intelligent species of wolf, so dolts need not apply.
Prop du jour: Tyrion, because Peter Dinklage is badass.
Preface: I have always wanted to do this. It's a tad obscure -- it's from "Super Troopers." But damn brilliant. Maybe you had to be there.
Outfit: Dude -- cycling gear. As in bicycle gear, complete with spandex, shoes and a helmet. Think Lance Armstrong. Ish.
Broad -- biker gear. As in motorcycle gear. Tease the hair to high hell, don tight leather pants, a slutty top and lots o' makeup. Think Evel Knievel.
(In "Super Troopers" when Paul Soter, as state trooper Foster, meets Marisa Coughlan, as local cop Ursula, "incognito" at a restaurant, Soter eyes her and says, "Oh. Biker. I'm an idiot.")
Prop du jour: Mustache rides.