D ear Christy,
I've been dating this girl for a little while, taking things slow because she told me she's still a virgin. I didn't realize the extent of it until she, um, got down there and started blowing. As in, blowing air like you'd blow out a candle. That was awkward enough, but now I feel like a skeeze for dating someone so innocent. Where do I go from here?
-- Pro in the sack
Oh boy. Someone get this broad some porn -- Gray's Anatomy, a Hustler, sex ed, Dr. Phil, a priest -- something.
Look, we were all innocent once upon a time (speak for yourself), so no need to rip a bitch a new glory hole because she's a virgin. However, we can make fun of her for reading into words literally. (Literally, as in "literally." Not as in the way you kids throw that word around all willy-nilly. Damn Kardashians.)
Of course we don't expect her to deep-throat Linda Lovelace-style, but even my St. Bernard Clyde knows not to take literal context out of nouns. (Let's speculate: Where would she shove the shocker?)
It's OK that she's innocent. Do you fancy naivete? Then confide in your Pokemon diary. Then one day when you guys get hitched, you can share a giggle on her chaste expense over Go-Gurt and Capri Suns.
However, in the meanwhile, don't you dare push her into anything -- she will fornicate when ready. (Let's hope she knows it involves genitals hugging.)
One thing you can do is talk to her BFF. But be gentle and tell BFF you really like this blowfish, but think she may need some coaching.
Keep in mind: Don't ask for a salad tossing (you would) -- unless you fancy greens in between the sheets.
Also, there's no "I" in "meat," so return favors like a good boy would.
Things are great with my girlfriend except for one thing, we often don't see each other much on the weekends together because she sings in a band and I like to watch sports with my bros. We're at a point where things should probably move forward a little. But do I have to give up my bro time to do that? Or can we compromise?
-- Pinch hitter
If you surrender bro time, who's gonna tuck the nuts when you wear cutoff jean shorts?
Don't give up bro time. Just like us broads can't give up bitch time. Otherwise you'll turn into that one couple at the bar -- she knits and he tension-holds her yarn. (True story.)
Those jerkoffs tension-hold my bowels.
Plus, your single friends will get their thongs all in an uproar. (Truer story.)
Anyway, there's no need to give up passions -- you just need to sync up schedules. You aren't asking her to surrender her sparkly microphone (she's Jem, right?), so she shouldn't expect you to relinquish your balls. Sports, laymen.
Swap some shared time -- go to her shows (it makes her feel special) and have her come watch a game with you (it makes you feel special).
If you think her band blows, suck it up -- watching baseball game to her is like watching that Brazilian grow out.
Now get back to your man cave and go braid your best man's leg hair.