DONUT DETOX What are you doing? Mom asked when she picked up the phone. I was taking a quick break from work Monday morning.

"I'm walking over for a doughnut," I said.

"So I guess I shouldn't send you this Ayurvedic juice cleanse I was about to email you," she replied.

After my Saturday yoga class, I ate a yogic lunch of champions -- juice, kale, broccoli and brown rice. These are foods that exude health and -- if you roll this way -- allow for an aura of smug wellness. A votre santé, fast-food eaters! I'm oozing organic yogi health!

But just like how I fall off the yoga wagon, my healthy diet also falls into disrepute. I won't eat high fructose corn syrup or hydrogenated oils...thus I ignore the labels on the goodies in the candy bowl at work. I eat a salad as I harass a co-worker about his soda consumption, but later I go for a doughnut. I used to say "everything in moderation!" but recently tacked on "and even moderation in moderation! Sure, I'll have another beer."

I've lost discipline and I'm not admitting it.

When I got to the doughnut shop, I hung up and texted Mom a photo of the bacon doughnuts. She emailed me the juice cleanse, anyway. As the doughnut's sugar settled into my system and briefly caused my heart to race, I decided, in this hyper state, that it was time to admit my lack of dietary discipline and do something about it. So I opened the damned email and read about this cleanse.


"Welcome to your 1-Day Juice Fast!" it declared in a girly script. "You've heard the call to shift into a more clear, essential and nourished place!"

Yes, girly script, yes I have! I'm ready! What must I do?

First, girly script listed preferred juicers for this fast, and where to get a "nut milk bag."

A huh? Also: I do not own a juicer.

Next, she wrote about the saltwater flush.

This is not a spa treatment. This is, ahem, to get rid of some toxins. Pretty script went on: "Since there's no fiber in juice, most people will need a little help moving things out."

I warmed up my lunch of rice, meatballs and organic broccoli and called it healthy enough.

-- Jenn Fields