christy fantz
Christy Fantz

D ear Christy,

I want to be single for spring break on the beach, but then get back together with my girlfriend in Boulder after I get back. You know what I'm sayin'? Am I a dick?

--Panty dropper

Oh dear:

Is it your Dodge Neon that makes our panties ankle-adjacent or your ultra-hairy taint?

After mingling genitals with beach-shanty prostitutes, you'll bring back a slew of crotch crawlies in your man thong.

That sounds like the job of a single dude. So, yes, break up with your lady. For evermore.

When you get back, I'll have Hulk Hogan's mustache on hand to console your tarred and feathered cock.

Dear Christy,

I totally ate shit on the ice in front of a girl I was going to ask out. Now I am so embarrassed, I don't know if I should ask her anymore. Give me some advice, but be kind.

--Clumsy

Jackass:

Drop your drawers and show me that hairy ass. I'm going to paddle you like a naughty lad. Don't tell me "be kind." I'll straight-up spank you. (It's a public service for both of us, really.)

Did you eat a literal piece of shit in front of your crush? Gross, but doubtful. So quit stressing.

Falling is splendid, especially when you grow a huge plum ass bruise. Alas, ye shall be judged based solely on the delivery of this fall.


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Did that face flush crimson before you aborted the scene of the accident? Shit your shorts while sprinting home?

Wrong!

The best way to handle a fall is to laugh like you just saw Tara Reid's tits. When we (mildly) hurt ourselves, we unearth bombastic chortles -- and if we were lucky enough to catch it on video, Harvey Levin can then leak it to the welfare viewers on TMZ.

Just look at "America's Funniest Home Videos" -- a ball to the crotch, an inadvertent face-plant on Uncle Ted's carcass or that crazy water hose that drenched the balls out of grandpa -- all amusing. (Like when Andy Dick shows up for happy hour at rehab.)

Of course you should ask her out. Joke about the incident. Next time you're wavering (like Taylor Lautner's sexuality), grab the broad's arm and pull that bitch down with you.

Dear Christy,

This guy I'm dating has a bendy thing. Like it's kind of crooked. Do you think that's common?

--Straight shooter

Curly-Q:

Dicks are like snowflakes -- one of a kind. (I should be next pope.)

As I am neither a scientist nor the village bicycle, I can't tell you how widespread said quandary of yours is. But I can tell you that if it's "bendy" like Gumby, can I borrow it? My dog needs a new chew toy.

Good talk.