christy fantz
Christy Fantz

Dear Christy,

My girlfriend can chug beer faster than me. She always shows off and makes fun of me. I'm not embarrassed, it's just annoying because all my dude friends have a crush on her.

--Slap to the masculine

 

Puss in chick boots:

Well, a find like her is as scarce as a day without your dinner concoctions dotting social media. (I'm going to start Instagram-ing Saltine nachos.)

When your girlfriend is taunting you, "little bitch!" among a crowd of thirsty spectators, just publicize that she practices her trade by chugging alley cock on Tuesdays.

(Actually, abort mission, your friends will like that even more.)

So, you can't open your throat. Congratulations.

As someone who can chug some mad alley ... uh ... beer, I'll give you three tips:

1. Don't pound an ice-cold beer, it stings.

2. Don't gulp. Let it slide. (That's what it says in the men's room.)

3. Let gravity suck that liquid gold back.

Tip: Removing the tampon from your Mich Light helps.

 

Dear Christy,

My boyfriend and I got an adorable dog. But my boyfriend is complaining that I never do any of the dirty work like picking up poo. Why should I do that? He's a boy and boys are gross. I think he should keep picking it up. How do I straighten him out?

-- Too Pretty

 


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Too Prissy:

What if your mother didn't wipe your ass as an infant? You'd be scooting your chafed and bare bum all over the floor to achieve a fresh fanny.

As Aphrodite* once said, failure to learn how to wipe the tushy means Mr. Charming (and Mr. Charmin) will not materialize because you're that crazy fuck who cleans her ass on the carpet.

Stunning visuals here.

But really, if you don't take on your duty (pun!) as a pet owner, then you don't deserve to be a doggy mommy.

Dogs aren't stuffed animals, so if your dog needs his anal gland squeezed, by the power of Grayskull, you will drain that sac with your fingers and a grin.

Good girl. Now let's get you a treat.

*Maybe it was Oprah.

 

Dear Christy,

My man thinks have a road rage problem. I really don't, I just get really pissed off when slow cars hog the left (passing) lane. He's the worst in the car, I've almost kicked him out a dozen times. What should I do?

--Rage

 

Danica:

Let's rage!

PSA: Cars, you don't have to drive fast. Just move.

Really. You don't have to drive fast. That's why Jesus invented the right lane.

However, take it easy, turbo. Don't kick him out. Your man is in your trust and care when you barrel around town like a reckless idiot. Drive like a responsible adult while he's along for the ride, and when you're alone you can fury like that bitch we all loathe.

We dare you. (Report road rage: *277.)

Good talk.