Dear Christy,

When I was home for break, I overheard my mom whisper to my dad she wanted him to "put it in the back door tonight." I'm scarred for life. Make it go away.

—My ears are burning

Your eyes should be burning:

Honey, the cat's out of the bag: your parents have sex, unless you were adopted. (Or maybe the gerbil's out of the tube, in their case.) Then only the plastic sheets know whether it's mom's or prune's juice that slides off of them at night.

This may be a gross revelation, but it's refreshing your parents still have sex. Mom's not dried up and dad's not just bobbing the old grey knob, while jamming out to Whitesnake's "Here I go, again on my own..."

Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

The problem is, you're picturing the act. You have this burning image of mommy dearest, naked, bent over the bed with a beef femur lodged in her yapper while a nude poppa is smacking her ass with one hand and lubing up her starfish with the other.

You weren't picturing it? Whoopsies.

Do you like sex? Yes. Do you foresee a time when you won't like sex? No.

Then get over it. People of all ages have sex. At least neither of their eyes are wandering to the transvestite's taut ass next door. Plus, daddy still gives it to good ol' mom where she likes it. (No "Wrong hole!" is ever screamed in that abode.)

Try to enjoy the love your parents still make and strive to be more like your mother, damn prude.

But also, condolences for your orifices.

 

Dear Christy,

My boyfriend wants to make a sex tape, but what if we break up and he leaks it? I think it would turn me on to make a tape, but I'm afraid of the future consequences.

—Private private parts

Girl on film:

Honey, nobody gives a shit about your sex tape.

Except for that one guy in his mom's basement. Or that amateur agent who wants to pay you 3 cents a click for more action. Girl on girl? Four cents.

But yes, it is a concern we all have in this day and age. What if your hairy ass is the free-porn front-page centerpiece one day? (I'd be like, "MOM! Check out this link!")

If you wind up doing it, set limits and talk consequences. And good luck with that. (His best friend downloaded his copy two minutes ago.)

He probably just wants to make a tape so he can jerk it to his own pecks while talking dirty to himself. (You give it to her, big boy. You pound that piece like a pumpkin pie. Oh, you're so huge .... squeege.)

Now that I've made it significantly uncomfortable for everyone, here's a parting thought: What if lightning bolts could have sex?

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