My girlfriend got drunk at my work Christmas party and really embarrassed me. She was chugging beer after beer with the guys, then threw up in the parking lot in front of everyone, and now all the dudes have a crush on her. It's annoying.
—I thought we were adults
Oh Grinch, keep your nonpants on. Your girlfriend was the star of your Christmas party. What a coveted role to snag.
Work holiday parties are the once-a-year scandal us "professionals" look forward to. It's the time we funnel liters of free booze and shove crab cakes and slices of cheesecake into our designer purses. (We're drunk.)
In my years in the professional world, I've never been crowned "that girl," unfortunately. But, a couple of my friends have colored me green with their tales: a male co-worker wound up like Cy Young and whapped the ass of the big boss who was bent over eyeing treats on a coffee table; one of my besties from college pissed all over the floor of her dickhead boss' office; and another friend nailed a co-worker in a car in the parking lot of the work party.
I've only fallen in some thorny bushes after popping a squat in front of some male co-workers, but that's a common occurrence.
So your girlfriend drank too much and puked. Congratulations.
You should be excited she's the talk of the water cooler. (Are there still water coolers?) Your hand is down the pants of the broad that every dude wants to plow.
It's not like she manhandled the boss' tits. But with your sour attitude, she probably should've gotten a piece from someone that night.
My buddies and I just thought up a new sex position: Santa's Sauce. It's when a dude puts whipped cream all over the D, gives a girl a pearl necklace, throws a handful of powdered sugar on her tits, then motorboats her. Thought we'd share our holiday find with you.
Just in time for the holidays. You should stitch this recipe onto a quilt for Grammy. (Grandpa's Angry Pirate has been rendered booooring.)
Santa Sauce. So salty, yet so sweet. That's what Oprah's lube touts.
This act sounds somewhat creative. However, are you dudes jiggy with slurping a handmade milkshake of self-inflicted man cream, Cool Whip and powdered sugar? Yes, I said jiggy. And apparently you are.
Rumors from ladies' mouths reveal that your load has a consistency that resembles a light roux. Your new concoction may bring the world some tasty cookie dough.
Thanks for the tip, pals. International Association of Culinary Professionals are always looking for award-winning recipes: iacp.com. But maybe don't try this on their wives.
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