Dear editor:

Although I am an older reader, I generally enjoy the Colorado Daily; it keeps me apprised of the doings at and around the college. I generally ignore Christy Frantz, assuming it is the young readership that keeps her column popular. Today, however, Christy's column really bothered me.... Maybe I am just too old for the Daily and Christy Frantz.

--Not a 'Frantz' fan

IT'S FANTZ!

Aw, squishy butt. And I thought our gangbang was special...

(There's no 'R' in Fantz. You sound like my creditors to which I reply: There's no broad at this abode by that name, ergo, I'm not paying you. Fantz wins.)

I'm sorry I offended you. But thanks for reading, sugar tits. (Or shall I say heaving-sack-of-sugar tits?)

Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

The Colorado Daily's target demographic is aimed at the ages of 18-35. I Googled your age and, indeed, you've near doubled the latter end.

However, that concern doesn't lie in these pants — I get love letters from 80-year-old men. Ergo, it's not the age that matters. It's how you caress, fondle, lube and pet that age. (Spank it like the naughty little whore it wants to be.)

I don't intend to offend. I intend to help and educate. If some bodily fluids leak out in the process, well, I also pee when I laugh sometimes. Hazards of the trade.

Go try that Santa's Sauce out with your lover. I'll tell those Boulder boys who created the new sex position in last week's column that they made an old hag smile.

P.S. Time to change your diaper, stinky pants.

 

Dear Christy,

I'm so lonely. I hate the holidays. All I do is gain holiday weight and cry about being single.

—Sad Santa

Smile, sugarplum:

Depression is common year-round. However, it is heightened during the holidays, when even the non-diagnosed can also get a case of the blues, so don't feel inadequate. Carbs and sugary treats, coupled with short, dark days, cold weather and family feuds all gangbang together to bitchslap us. Single/non-single, we all cry into our booze.

ONE: Don't get down on yourself for stuffing face. It's not our fault 13 pies show up at work every day. Eat what you want. You can always work it off later. (Yell at me Boulder. Do it. I'll slap you with the six pounds of fudge I made over the weekend. SIX.)

TWO: Do what makes you feel better to get through this time of year. Buy yourself presents. Eat boxes of toffee. Avoid family. Order 11 pizzas. Get drunk at bars and screw random guys. (Shhh, "Not a 'Frantz' fan," your pill box is ringing.) Whatever helps get yourself out of your funk, do it and don't feel bad about it. We all have our own ways to cope, and none of them are "wrong."

CATCH! I just threw you a hug.

Aw. Get a room.

Follow Christy: Twitter.com/FantzyPants