Dear Christy,

How long is my boyfriend going to be in this Broncos funk? I'm worried I'm never going to get laid again.

—Sad Horse

Unsportsmanlike conduct:

I erased Super Bowl Sunday. Ergo, it didn't happen (just like this college football season).

Ugh. That game blew. It was embarrassing and... inappropriate phrases and perils of defeat. At least your dude didn't have to walk off that field with his mane 'n' tail tucked between Richard Sherman's weave (which was stuck in Eric Decker's jockstrap.)

Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

Your man is passionate about his Broncos. Give him time to grieve. Gently remind him that no matter how many "what if" scenarios he conjures, Lucifer jacked God's remote to watch porn, so we can't rewind and fix the fumbles. And also, it's a football game.

However, it's only been a couple days, so let the man cry. By the weekend, tell him to shut the buck up so you can hop back on that Bronco and ride. A squeeze between your legs will soothe his sports-somber soul.

If he's still sobbing, oh well. Pretend you're mounting a crocodile-teared Knowshon Moreno.

Hey Christy,

I just started dating possibly the best boyfriend I've ever had... He took me for a champagne walk down the beach, buys me thoughtful gifts, listens intently, hits alllllll the right buttons and makes a ton of money. Here's the problem: I don't know if it's going to work with him long term, due to some of the differences we have in fundamental areas like politics, attitude and religion. So... do I keep him around and enjoy him for as long as possible? Or am I being a selfish twat for keeping him off the market?

—Thinking of Leaving Prince Charming

More than love:

Catholics are marrying Jews. Democrats are sleeping with Republicans. Atheists are making fundamental Christians squeal. Rachel Maddow's hairs are awry.

It's a goddamn mess out there.

There are many circumstances that can pull true loves apart, but there are also true loves that tear apart their circumstances and bury their differences.

It appears you can't do the latter. It's over in your mind. You're just enjoying the ride — which is fine, not all love can outshine fundamentals. What your gut grumbles is usually what's right for you.

However, the man is obviously enamored with you. You are more than a ride to him. Remember that boys have feelings too, and they cry like big, strong Broncos.

So, have your fun, but if you're going to break, do it sooner rather than later. The longer you wait, the stickier the attachment becomes. Along with lassoing the poor man's heart on your wild ride, the break can be taxing to your ticker.

Also: Your gut is grumbling to bring me a brownie. Double time.

Follow Christy: Twitter.com/FantzyPants