Dear Fantz,

My lover and I eloped to Chicago recently. We've had a wedding reception planned for May and wanted to make it legal. But, we specifically asked friends and family not to have a shower. I HATE showers. I didn't get married so people would buy me gifts. Plus isn't that what people give you at your reception? However, my wife's BFF insisted on planning one. I really don't wanna go...wife says I have to. P.S. "BFF" hasn't been a great bestie lately..like years.

—Sour on showers

Gifts are grrrrreat!:

Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

I get it. I'm not a fan of showers of any sort. Especially the water kind because my new house only spits out luke-cold agua. I even loathe bachelor/ette parties. Put the parade away, let's just shotgun tallboys and hot box alleys.

I just had a shower of the baby variety and wished I could've been resting a gallon of chocolate ice cream on my gut in front of the tube. But when the shower's in your honor, it'd be pretty dick to not attend.

As for the presents, sorry pal, I cry foul on this one. Who doesn't want presents? You can register for vibrators and booze for all we care. Sure you married for love, but a perk of the whole wedding charade is presents.


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Maybe bestie is trying to make up for being a bad friend by hosting a party in you and wife's honor? The party is for you, so not only do you get dry humped with love, you also get fed, boozed and neat things all in the name of you and wife.

Even though it smells like BFF has burned some past bridges, I say give her a chance. This may her way of making up for it.

In the end, you come out of it with free shit and a healthy buzz. Aside from orgasms and pets, are those not the two other best things in the world?

And if she blows it, all the more reason to bury her beside your sexual freedom.

Dear Christy,

My friends are putting together a rad car trip for spring break. But my girlfriend doesn't have plans and is starting to act like she wants to come with us even tho it is kind of bro time.

If I leave her in Boulder, she'll be mad.

But if I add her to the trip, my bros will be mad.

What do I do?

—Dame dilemma

Bro-ad trip:

If it's all dudes, then no. Abort lady mission. You'd wind up being the lone wolf with fallopian tubes in his manbag while the rest of the dudes are toting flasks, farts and fireworks in theirs.

It all comes down to whether you want to spend spring break with your gal or the guys. If lady wins, then ask the bros if she can ride bitch, but they'll probably say no. You have to respect that it's their trip in the works, not yours.

If you don't want her there, tell her you're taking a break with just the boys this time around. And no, you aren't going to some topless beach to cheat on her. And no, you aren't going to a singles island with rampant gangbangs. And don't really do that shit, or cut your relationship ties first, you village B-Cycle.* Tell her you just want a bro weekend where you can rub your dicks in the dirt, have sword fights and play hide the sausage.

Or if you're on the fence, spend half the break with the boys and half with your lady.

*Where everybody gets a ride. Cue rimshot.

Follow Christy: Twitter.com/FantzyPants