Dear Christy,

I'm attractive, funny and love to watch sports with the guys. The problem is, they just want to sleep with me, not date me. I know I'm datable, but after I sleep with one of my pals, they still just treat me like a friend and nothing more. I want more!

—Girlfriend material

Village Bicycle:

Well maybe if you kept your legs closed for a minute, they'd see you more than just a lubricated hole.

I mean.

This problem does exist. Here's why: Girl sits belly-up with the Boys, watching the Gators as they crush through the NCAA tourney. Beers and shots later, Girl is headed home with one Boy because drunk and horny happen.

Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

Girl wakes the next morning with Boy shoving her out the door because he has to go play with the other boys. (Disc golf, perverts. And never mind if she wants to play.)

Then every drunk now and again, Girl queries why they can't be more than friends and Boy says, "We just work so much better together that way, pal. Let's not ruin the friendship." Thus, Girl keeps the arrangement because she doesn't want to ruin the friendship.

And just like your mom's measurements, said tale is permanently scribed in the men's room.

You clearly want more, so be strong and tell your libido to bitch slap the boys' advances. Your pals love you as a dude hag, but they don't care about your girl feelings. You fit perfectly in their mold as is, and not an ounce more.

You can still hang, but quit being the chew toy. Meet new guys and bring them into the circle. Make your pals respect you, and if anything else, plow the new dudes and make the old ones jealous, because immaturity is my spice of life.

It's normal to feel this way, Village Bicycle. You're not a bad person. Boys just have feelings of the none variety and girls have feelings of the everything variety.

Mixing with pals, like mixing olive oil and vinegar takes way too much work, and it smells like your dad's jock strap. Instead, go find some homestyle ranch to mix with Cholula, you spicy harlot. You deserve more than an ounce. And don't smoke it all at once.

Dear Christy,

I met this girl at the bar, we made out, exchanged numbers and texted for two days straight nonstop. Then I took her out to dinner and it's six days later and I haven't heard one thing. Not even a "hi." What gives?

—What did I do?

Always the nice guy:

Maybe she forgot what you looked like and was reminded when she got her meal ticket. Maybe you two hit it off just fine with the lube of Fireball, but lost the connection when sober. Or, maybe she's been busy and you should keep your panties on.

Spoiler alert: She's over it. We all know how easy it is to text. Her dry spell for almost a week is quite telling. She's moving on without you.

Sorry pal.

But, you seem like a nice dude who does all the things right, so, hop back on that g-spot and keep digging for your golden girl. When she starts wailing, lock the bitch down.

Follow Christy: Twitter.com/FantzyPants