I've been dating my girlfriend for several years. We both want to get married but I can't really afford the ring she deserves. Work is picking up, but it'll be a while before I can drop that kind of coin. She's getting frustrated I haven't popped the question, and I want her to know that I'm serious about spending our lives together. What do I do?
—Too Poor to Propose
Dear Mr. TP,
Are you dating a Kardashian? Because it doesn't sound like you need to come up with a billion-dollar bauble and a disturbingly awkward video featuring horsies and a fake motorcycle ride through the mountains with your beloved writhing around like she's got a live squirrel in her short-shorts.
Beyonce made it perfectly clear years ago: if you like it, put a ring on it. Probably a Ring Pop would be sufficient — you've been with her for years, and she's getting frustrated you haven't asked. If you're gonna be togethah fo-evah-evah, evah, EVAH, the cost of an engagement ring is the least of your worries. Get the best one you can manage now, Son, and if she whines about it not being fancy enough, she can chip in on a better one, wait several more years to get engaged, or find a new guy who agrees that marriage is about all the shiny shit you get before it's even started.
I've been sleeping with this girl for a while now, and the sex is pretty good, but she really only does it in the "mission position." As soon as I try something a little more exciting, she spins us back to Boringsville. How can I get this gal to head downtown?
—Can't Put it Pastor
Shift the holes in the sheet around.
I'm a senior in college and still a virgin. I've gotten close a few times, but I get so nervous. What if I'm not very good? I've tried watching porn for tips and tricks, but the guys never really say anything helpful. I am going out with a girl this weekend for the third time, and I think she wants to do it. How can I get really good at sex in under 5 days?
—Not so Studly
The first time is the worst time. (Be sure to tell her that, too.) Now that everyone's expectations are nice and low, spend the next five days reading up on the "15-Minute Orgasm." When your five seconds of boning are over, bust out what you learned. Afterwards, she'll be more than happy to teach you a thing or two, you unscrupulous seducer of women, you.
Jeanine Fritz is filling in while Christy Fantz is out. Email your questions to J9@coloradodaily.com.