Jeanine Fritz
Jeanine Fritz

Dear Fritz,

I broke up with a nice boy who's since found a new girlfriend. I am so angry, I'm afraid if I see him walking down the street I might blackout from the rage and then my body will follow them down the street and rip their skin off like a baboon. Please help me harness my hate.

Sincerely,

Not Cut Out for Prison

Dear Peaches,

Yes. I called you Peaches. Get used to it because that's what you're gonna be called after you go to "Federal Pound-You-In-the-Ass Prison" (as they call it in "Office Space") for getting all stabby on Nice Boy and New Special Lady Friend. Be sure to get a copy of the courtroom pencil drawing; maybe you can hang it over the broken mirror in your cell.

Unless I had a stroke while reading your letter here, YOU broke up with HIM and now you're mad he found someone else?

I know it's tough. We try to figure out why the nice person we're dating isn't cutting the mustard, then we break it off in frustration, then we remember how rad they were, usually when some new asshat is dangling off their arm and laughing at everything they say. Cue the eye-twitching.

When a relationship is over we want our exes to just return our cats, give back our copies of "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" on VHS, pat us on the back for all the wonderful lessons we taught them and immediately move to Celibate Island. But guess what? There's no Celibate Island, sister. I checked after my last breakup. (And while we're feeling spiteful: there's no Santa Claus either.)


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Here's what you do: stop going to the bar you both always went to, stop chatting with his friends, delete him off Facebook. You actively sought each other out before, now actively cut that shit out — you're only torturing yourself.

A big, ole', heapin' helpin' of Dissociation is called for, which will pave the way for old-fashioned Avoidance. Then I recommend a dash of Repression (easily found at any liquor store), a whisper of Substitution (find a new boy) and several hours of therapy to undo all this terrible advice I probably just gave you. Tell 'em Fritz sent ya.

P.S. Seriously, go see a therapist. This stuff is hard, it's confusing — go see someone who's seen it all before and can guide you out of the woods faster than you can do it alone.

P.P.S. After 30 full seconds of research on baboons, I didn't find anything about baboons going all Ed Gein and taking people's skin and making it into like belts and lampshades, but I DID find out baboons sometimes abduct puppies and then raise them. Why don't you get a puppy instead?

Jeanine Fritz is filling in while Christy Fantz is out. Email your questions to J9@coloradodaily.com.