Jeanine Fritz
Jeanine Fritz

Fritz!

I'm a big fan of oral, both giving and receiving, and man-friend is too! Hooray! One problem though — he suffers from short tongue syndrome. He's so bad, I've started to dread my turn on the receiving end. How do I break it to him that it's just not his thing? And is it worth giving up?

Sincerely,

Fantasizing About Gene Simmons

Dear KISS Army Member,

Gene told "Rolling Stone" back in September that Miley's tongue antics at the VMAs were "okay." Fair enough; he's kind of an expert. Sadly, he kept talking. "But that's a girl's version. It's like girls' basketball. It's as good as girls can get at basketball. But you can't play with the guys." Can you hang on a second? Thanks.

Dear Gene,

There are plenty of people willing to play with Miley's just "okay" tongue, and I don't know anything about women's basketball, but I do know there are lots of girl-style versions of things that are totally different, yet totally rad, like boobs. Oh wait, you have those too, don't you? My mistake.

Simmons-lover! You've got options: get the boy a fake tongue extension, pull a "Christmas Story" prank on him this next winter and see if you can stretch that baby out, or wait a minute — short tongue? Who cares? He's using it, right? Sounds like a technique problem, not a length problem, unless you're trying to get him to lick the inside of your uterus. Ugh, I just grossed myself out; hope you aren't eating lunch.


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Look, don't tell him he's the worst, and don't give up either. Ball's in your court, sister; don't be a candypants. Open your mouth and tell the guy exactly what you'd like him to do, and be specific. Something like: "Swirl your tongue in a counter-clockwise motion while singing the hook from Missy Elliott's 'Get Ur Freak On.' Don't forget to yell HOLLA occasionally to surprise my undercarriage."

If he likes doing it, he probably wants you to like him doing it too. Help him help you. Help him. Help you.

Dear Fritz,

Do it once, see if you like it, but heavy on the lube.

Joe

Joe?

Joe Who? Joe Mamma? Angie Daddy?

What's happening here, buddy? Are you giving advice? Okay, thanks for the help! This'll be like an alley-oop, basketball-style (suck it, Gene) — I'll go find a question this can be the answer to. Oh, here we go:

Um, Fritz?

How do you keep it interesting with time? Should we approach the back door?

Love,

Gettin' Bored

Dear Bored,

Sure. Joe says, "Do it once, see if you like it, but heavy on the lube." But based on the fact you're asking me to tell your bum's future, I don't think you're ready, I don't think you're ready, I don't think you're ready for this jelly. Joe's just too bootylicious for ya, babe.

Jeanine Fritz is filling in while Christy Fantz is out. Email your questions to J9@coloradodaily.com.