Jeanine Fritz
Jeanine Fritz

Dear Fritz,

Does size matter more to men than women? And how do you keep it interesting with time? What do you do when he can't find your g-spot? How do you tell him you have a g-spot — assuming he doesn't know and without making him feel terrible about himself? Should women simulate orgasms or not?

Thanks,

Maria Marta Cachonda

Dear You So-crates,

Jesus Cristo, Mujer, you sure have a lot of questions, pal. That's cool. Questions are good.

Unless of course, they make the person you're asking feel foolish and they decide to sentence you to death, hemlock-style.

Totally happened to Socrates.

You remember him — the Athenian guy who decided the best way to answer a question was to ask more questions. So guess what, pal? I'mma ask you some questions back...

You wanted to know if weiner size mattered more to men than women, so my question to you is can we move past that already? Haven't we figured out by now that it's not about how large the barge is, but rather what kind of motion is in that ocean? As we end up with different partners, don't we realize we all have hankerings for different things? And that different weiners truly do have different super powers, like those wands in the Harry Potter books?

You want to know what to do when someone can't find someone else's g-spot. Couldn't having a conversation about its location solve the problem pretty quickly? Wouldn't that also confirm that you have one, as well as eliminate the need to embarrass the other person? Is it so terrible to simply say, "Hey, Sugar Cheeks, my g-spot is located over the river and through the woods, right behind Gramma's house"?

Your last question, however — should women simulate orgasms — is not the question you should be asking. You should be asking WHEN should women simulate orgasms. And to that my answer is ooops look at that, we. are. out. of. space. Better luck next time!

(Editor's Note: No, you aren't. You have 50 more words, Fritz.)

Fine. The answer is: I don't know. I've done it. I've done it when I know it's just not gonna happen for me, but I want the other person to keep having a nice time. I've also done it because I like yelling strange things at the top of my lungs and it makes more sense to do that in the context of sex than while mowing the lawn. (Not a euphemism.) But expect repercussions. Maybe the other person decides you're a liar, and/or begins questioning their own sexual prowess, leading to resentment, which doesn't lead to good sex. Probably the smartest move here is to never, never, never do it unless "Game of Thrones" is about to come on.

Email Jeanine your questions at J9@coloradodaily.com.