Jeanine Fritz
Jeanine Fritz

Dear Ms. Fritz,

What do you do when "it" doesn't fit in your mouth? Thanks for any help you can offer.

Signed,

Doug

What do you mean by "it"? What IS it, my friend?! 'Cause there are lots of things that might be too big for one's maw. Kielbasa? State fair corn dog? Oversized Pacific oyster? An entire banana? OOH! Is it a $5 footlong? (Don't eat that; it's got yoga mat in it.) I'm guessing what you're talking about though is a baloney pony. A trouser snake. Ol' Long Dong Silver. The bald-headed yogurt slinger. (Oh, no I didn't. YesIDid.) You're talking about a penis; let's try to get comfy with the words already, shall we? Without batting an eye a man will refer to his dick. Or his rod. Or his Johnson. You can do it too. And let's be fair: the word "vagina" makes some men uncomfortable.

Vagina.

Did you have a question?

Hey Fritz,

My man has a big ole' schlong. I have a small mouth. Little help?

Not someone you know,

Notyourfriend

OH, RIGHT! Dear Notmyfriend and Doug From the First Question,

Focus your mouth on the head, use your hand to work the shaft, and don't forget to mind the step children. At least you don't have braces, geez. Suck it up already. Or not. I guess that's a different column.

Dear Fritz,

My boyfriend loves getting head, and I don't mind giving it. But I'm about to get braces in a few weeks and am worried this is going to wreak havoc on our sex life. They're not coming off for at least a year.

Thanks,

Christy

Oh, for the love of ... OK. First, let's think about the physics of a proper B.J. here, Tin Grin — if you're running the outside of your teeth anywhere on his Special Purpose, you have bigger problems than that cheese grater yer getting installed on your grill. Listen, Tinsel Teeth, blowjobs aren't going to be tough on him, they're going to be tough on you. The first time you get your railroad tracks adjusted, your whole noggin' is gonna hurt. You're the one who'll need the head, but if you insist, just make sure you remove those rubber bands. One of those babies comes off mid-blowjob and he won't be saying, "Oh, SNAP!" in a good way.

Tangent: "Blowjobs & Braces" — worst game show ever, a terrible Ben & Jerry's flavor, or a really bad English pub?

Jeanine Fritz is filling in while Christy Fantz is out. Send her your questions at J9@coloradodaily.com.