Dear Christy,

Now that you're back, your readers are curious — have you lost the baby weight? More than about that, we are curious how many ways you've come up with to tell someone to go eff themselves when they ask you this. I know that this isn't relationship related, but I don't care.

—Colorful Metaphors

Adoring public:

Hello pals, I've missed all three of you!

Let's get a room.

It's been almost two months since my little girl took a joyride down my birth slide. (After 62 hours of labor. "You kidding?" you ask. No. I'm Batman.)

And all gloating aside, I am nearly back to my pre-knocked-up weight.

Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

Rage! I know, I always did with celebrities: "Yeah right. That thin after nine months? Don't lie to your public, you're having your fingers for dessert."

Alas, I had three sweet factors on my side: After birth, every night for a full two weeks, I'd wake up sweating like Westboro Church cult-lets at Hamburger Mary's. My cankles were gone in three days. Two: The purge of the baby's little home in my gut rid me of most of the weight. Three: Breastfeeding burns like 500 calories per day. So all signs point to: kind of. I kind of nearly have.

And congratulations! You're the first person to ask. Thanks for prying, sugar tits. Next person to ask, I'll dance uncomfortably in silence until they flee.


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But fret not, I'll gain it back in booze weight. (Not while breastfeeding, STOP JUDGING.) Plus, my pregnancy doughnut addiction has carried over like a long division remainder, so plowing a baker's dozen (on occasion) will lube that glazed spare tire right back up in no time.

And I still miss cigarettes like you missed my wit, so I'm sure I'll replace them with whole pizzas.

Now get out of my pants.

Dear Christy,

My boyfriend calls me sarcastic names all the time. I get over it, but sometimes when we fight he calls me idiot, dumb bitch, moron, "retard" and other insulting things. Is there a way to break this cycle?

—Not dumb

Dating a juvie:

He's like a fourth-grader trying to hit on the popular girl. And I'm guessing your man is on the legal side of 10? Although he sounds like he's on the puerile side of dick.

Some people relate with sarcasm and some can take it. You seem to begrudgingly roll with his sardonic punches, but the degrading jabs while fighting are unacceptable. Harsh words will be inevitably voiced at times in relationships, but his pattern and frequency is amounting to verbal abuse, and you don't deserve it.

Tell him his insults are demeaning. His harsh words will stick and weigh on your self confidence. Do not let him do that. Hold your head high and punch him in the nuts.

I mean...

It may take him some time to change his ways, especially if he acts out unwittingly (he may have suffered belittlement in his life), but remind him every time it happens until he stops. You deserve kind words. Now let's all hug, high five rainbows and twirl a hippie.

Follow Christy at Twitter.com/FantzyPants