God I want to date a fireman so badly. What would be the best way to get on one?
—Baby wants a six-pack
Smoke and mirrors:
Get a grip, Baby.* (You would, "Dirty Dancing.")
Ladies and firemen, we go way back.
The Denver firefighters still cruise LoDo every Saturday night — like our ancestors used to drag Main Street in search of someone to "park." The firemen hang out their windows and wave all Miss-America like. (Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, chief.)
Meanwhile, the ladies of Saturday night have got the fever: skirts swoon all over Market Street, limp wrists press against drawn-on brows... "Heavens to Betsy, my loins are burning!" (It's just the herpes.)
I've seen it a hundred times.
After soaking in Valtrex, try these tips.
1. Stalk them. They have to eat. Have you ever seen a whole truckload of them in King Soopers? Ladies be dropping shit all over the aisles.
2. Bring a carseat to fire station have it inspected. (Because you can.) Proceed to gyrate behind him, iPhone camera rolling, while he's bent over your back seat.
3. Glamour Shot (see: 1992) yourself and call the non-emergency police number (only) if you smell natural gas. You'll have a truckload of them at your door in a minute. Only if this is for real, bitches. You'll get fined for wasting emergency personnel time. Plus, I don't want the authorities barking up my torso. (Unless they're firemen.)
4. Go physically climb on top of one. Then get looks, an assault charge and/or tased. But perhaps the 3 percent chance of him smacking your ass and calling you dirty names is worth it. Your call.
5. You can't. They're just a crew of teases who already bang hot wives.
Now go clean yourselves up, ladies. It looks like a male revue just dry humped Tuesday in here.
*Go in timeout. (I just put Baby in a corner.)
My boyfriend always poops right before, or during, my shower. My friends all say their boyfriends do too. Are men just trained to do this?
I actually think dudes are trained to do this.
When we were young, maybe the only free time our moms had to take a shower was when we were learning to poop on the baby potty. Then, that fresh burst of clean flooded into lads' subconscious, creating an ingrained need to go No. 2 once a shower turns on.
Fine, maybe it's our men's way of marking their territory* — by making us smell poopy so other dudes won't flirt with us. (That sounds more dude-like.) Consider it a term of endearment.
But also, that's why Jesus invented locks.
*Not that women are territory, hatemail, chill out.
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