Dear Christy,

God I want to date a fireman so badly. What would be the best way to get on one?

—Baby wants a six-pack

Smoke and mirrors:

Get a grip, Baby.* (You would, "Dirty Dancing.")

Ladies and firemen, we go way back.

The Denver firefighters still cruise LoDo every Saturday night — like our ancestors used to drag Main Street in search of someone to "park." The firemen hang out their windows and wave all Miss-America like. (Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, chief.)

Meanwhile, the ladies of Saturday night have got the fever: skirts swoon all over Market Street, limp wrists press against drawn-on brows... "Heavens to Betsy, my loins are burning!" (It's just the herpes.)

Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

I've seen it a hundred times.

After soaking in Valtrex, try these tips.

1. Stalk them. They have to eat. Have you ever seen a whole truckload of them in King Soopers? Ladies be dropping shit all over the aisles.

2. Bring a carseat to fire station have it inspected. (Because you can.) Proceed to gyrate behind him, iPhone camera rolling, while he's bent over your back seat.

3. Glamour Shot (see: 1992) yourself and call the non-emergency police number (only) if you smell natural gas. You'll have a truckload of them at your door in a minute. Only if this is for real, bitches. You'll get fined for wasting emergency personnel time. Plus, I don't want the authorities barking up my torso. (Unless they're firemen.)

4. Go physically climb on top of one. Then get looks, an assault charge and/or tased. But perhaps the 3 percent chance of him smacking your ass and calling you dirty names is worth it. Your call.

5. You can't. They're just a crew of teases who already bang hot wives.

Now go clean yourselves up, ladies. It looks like a male revue just dry humped Tuesday in here.

*Go in timeout. (I just put Baby in a corner.)

Dear Christy,

My boyfriend always poops right before, or during, my shower. My friends all say their boyfriends do too. Are men just trained to do this?

—Stinky showers

Sewer flowers:

I actually think dudes are trained to do this.

When we were young, maybe the only free time our moms had to take a shower was when we were learning to poop on the baby potty. Then, that fresh burst of clean flooded into lads' subconscious, creating an ingrained need to go No. 2 once a shower turns on.

Crickets?

Fine, maybe it's our men's way of marking their territory* — by making us smell poopy so other dudes won't flirt with us. (That sounds more dude-like.) Consider it a term of endearment.

But also, that's why Jesus invented locks.

*Not that women are territory, hatemail, chill out.

 

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