Dear Christy,

My guy will not go camping. He says the only way he'll go is in a hotel room in Central City. I know I can make camping fun, but he's just not into it. Any suggestions?

—Outdoor gal

Woodswoman:

Camping can be a hard sell: bugs, bears, no baño, no bueno.

The allure of camping for us is just what conjures repulsion for others. (Put that in your fortune cookie and smoke it.)

Once upon a Mount Evans camp site ago, while the guy I was with was intently monitoring his (single) blow-up mattress' electric pump, I was hissing expletives while hatchet-ing firewood.

Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

Random: Did Mercury in retrograde synch up all the dudes' cycles this month?

Start infusing the niceties of camping into your man so he can dilute the bad. Bring a comfy sleeping pad, s'mores, camp chairs, roofies and vanity lights for his makeup. Play cards, hang by the fire, watch the sunset and share first menstruation stories over Bacardi Breezes.

Take him to a site that has plumbing; lure the man into your camp just for one night.

For his treat, you can give him Saturday night in Central City. (You'll have fun, it's a micro-mini Vegas — but without all the damn children littering casino floors.)


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After you break him in easy, you can later assault him with the hardcore backcountry: make him bury his poop, eat dirt/bug sandwiches and drink cowboy coffee. Pack Midol for that trip.

Dear Christy,

I can't get the guy I'm dating to watch the World Cup with me. He thinks it's stupid -- even though he played soccer when he was growing up, supposedly! I think he's lying about playing soccer. How could he not be into it if he played? I don't want to date a liar. How do I get to the bottom of this AND watch the World Cup in peace?

—Soccer fan

Futból fever:

Easy, turbo. Everybody has varied tastes. This jumping to a conclusion that he's a liar just because of an aversion to international soccer is a bit rash. I played T-ball when I was younger, but that doesn't mean I have to enjoy watching ballgames on the telly. I have candies to crush.

All sorts of possibilities exist, maybe he... was pushed into sports; was too young to develop a love of the game; or simply isn't a fan of watching it on TV.

Try taking him to a Rapids game in Denver and see if he enjoys the live setting. If he doesn't, then he's probably just a lying motherfucker, who does, in fact, fuck mothers. (Weed for panic, whiskey for paranoia.)

Or maybe you should calm down. If he doesn't want to watch it, then enjoy it at a bar with pals who do. He can keep up with the Kardashians and then you two can regroup for a genital hug.

(Fret not, ladies, Mercury turns direct Tuesday a.m.)

Follow Christy: Twitter.com/FantzyPants