Dear Christy,

Me and my boyfriend tried some edibles recently and had the high of our lives, followed by the sex of our lives ... for quite a few hours. Only problem is, he wants to do that all the time now. Neither of us will ever make it to work if we keep that up. How do I talk him down?

—Stoned love

High Five:

A pitfall of abusing mind-altering substances comes with a downfall in performance across the board. And a dent in work performance could come with a waterfall of life mishaps.

First you become a raging alcoholic and instead of paying creditors, you drink yourself to sleep. Next, you're waking up spooning Hobo Joe and washing your dirty drawers in Boulder Creek. Then you get lonely and...

Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

Christ, woman, don't have sex with Joe.

The high of one's life followed by the sex of one's life is something us buzz-thirsty humans could get used to. Unfortunately, in order to remain sane and employed, potent edibles should be left for special occasions.

You can still have recurrent mind-altering sex — as squealing on a regular basis makes endorphins high — but leave the edibles for the weekend.

Unless it's undies, of course.

Just the tip: Be careful, pals. Word on the street is that Colorado shit's potent. And by the street, I mean that's what your dad told me last night.

Dear Christy,


Advertisement

I'm home for the summer and started dating this guy I work with. We fell hard for each other and now I have to go back east for my senior year of college. All of my friends say long distance doesn't work, but we really don't want to break up. Give me some advice.

—Leaving Colorado

East Coast:

Um.... Don't have sex against an unstable window. That shit could break.

Well, you're the one who demanded advice.

My opinion told me that you can't remain exclusive. Sure, my opinion is always drunk, but it's your senior year in college, so you need to get that hot ass out there and plow the rugby team.

Or cafeteria line cooks. Student council. Whatever.

College is a time to explore. If you're tied down to someone you can't even touch on a weekly basis, you will miss out on live human connections. Snapchatting bi-weekly fur-train selfies to Colorado boyfriend may give you that extra oooooooh, but it robs time for real-life encounters.

You can remain on a "dating" status with Colorado boy, but keep your options open to seeing other dudes.

Don't cry. You don't need to add to their dirty panty closet, but you can keep an open mind to single life insanity while you're still young. As should Colorado boy.

But, be honest with each other and stay the bloody hell out of Jersey Shore.

Have Colorado boy visit you a few times throughout the year and show him a good time, but while you're on your early-adulthood excursion, don't tether your genitals together. Not only would it hurt, but it seems a bit much to put all your eggs into a summer fling's nut basket.

Follow Christy at Twitter.com/FantzyPants