Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

Dear Christy,

My boyfriend loves football and I , typical gay boy, don't understand it. I'd rather bar hop than sit in at Folsom and watch ripped guys throw each other around. If I wanted to see that, I'd go to the Walrus. Boom! He wants me to go to games with him but I don't know how to let him down softly, in more ways than one.

—Sports are for suckers

Oh, balls:

It's perfectly normal for you to not enjoy football, pal, so wipe the sweat off your jockstrap. And the dust. And put it in a drawer, for Chrissakes.

Buddy, you're missing out. College football is not just a game, it's an experience. It's a time to wake up at the crack of 30-minutes-after-you-just-passed-out, head to campus with spirit fingers and last night's buzz, and sip on a breakfast PBR.

Along with tailgating, comes spirit, camaraderie, barbecuing and drinking games. Then there's the people watching, the team cheers and the hot dogs. Day drinking, napping on the lawn, high-fives...

I'm with your man, man. Football is good stuff.

However, not everybody agrees. Indulge your guy and give him two games to show you a good time. Have him teach you some basics of the game. You'll get points for acting interested and the more you know, the more you grow. (Aw. Let's hug.)


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If you still find that it's not your bag of balls, then just be honest with him. You can go day drink on Pearl Street, he can crush cans over his head on campus and you guys can regroup later, if you're not face-down in the porcelain.

If so, there's always Bloody Mary Sunday, where balls and tight ends reign on TV.

Dear Christy,

I'm a smoker and several first dates I went on never called me back because of it. I know, who even smokes anymore? It's not like I'm breaking up with them because they drink bad beer.

—Polluted

Up in smoke:

Yeah, homie, but bad beer won't murder a bitch clean.

(This just in: Nevermind.)

Here's who smokes "anymore":

The naive, who get hooked at 15 because friends smoke. The stressed, because a cigarette spells relief (oh piss off, Rolaids). The social, who turn a rare treat into a pack-a-day habit. Or the bored who just made a poisonous mistake.

Everybody knows that non-smokers don't like cigarette smoke. Hell, 90 percent of the smokers I know don't even like it. So, it's no surprise that an adamant non-smoker doesn't want to date a smoker.

If you have no intentions of quitting, then you may have to go fishing in the sea of carcinogens. You can't blame a dude who doesn't want to be left behind with a black lung.

If you find it in your self-control to quit, then you should. Otherwise, I'll see you in hell, bitch.

Hush now. Satan said we could smoke down there.

Follow Christy: Twitter.com/FantzyPants