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Each week, the Yeti reaches into his mailbag and answers advice questions from people who can't solve their own puny problems. Send your questions to the Yeti at doctoryeti@coloradodaily.com and receive your own hairy response from the wisest beast of all.
Dear Yeti,
I slept through Black Friday. Will you publish a holiday gift guide?
-- Giftless
Giftless human:
Yes, this Yeti gift guide:
Caramelized goat. Peace and quiet. Human go back to fertile crescent forever and leave rest of us alone.
Any these gift make great stocking stuffer.
Or, if human shopping for someone other than entire flora and fauna population of world, because this par for human course, maybe human try national parks pass. This a great gift for most human (and maybe some lucky bear).
Condolences,
Yeti
Dear Yeti,
My roommates suck at splitting up chores. I always end up doing everything. Especially... everything. We used to have a chore wheel that we used to make it fair, but it didn't spin very well.
-- Frustrated
Frustrated human:
This depend. What kind of chore? In perfect world, everybody take turns, but maybe you just split everything up. That way, there a sense of ownership over certain place in home.
For example, one person responsible for vacuuming floor and different person responsible for scaring hunter by ambling in silhouette at very long distance.
Human roommates develop pride for their assigned duties and get better at them. Maybe human roommate feel shame if someone come over and say, "This floor disgusting."
Yeti used to have sharing problem like this -- Yeti responsible for defending mountain creature, but human start to encroach on mountain territory. At first, Yeti throw tantrum. Then Yeti discover greater satisfaction in waiting for eventual failure of human society.
In this sense, Yeti is first producer of reality television. Human version way crappier.
Condolences,
Yeti
Dear Yeti,
What do you think about Dan Hawkins?
-- Buff4LifeHawkinsHater
Human Buff4LifeHawkinsHater:
Never met the guy, but because human look up to Yeti as sage, caring guardian of knowledge, Yeti use the Google to try to figure out what petty bullshit human write in about this time.
(By the way, Yeti edit down much larger letter from Buff4LifeHawkinsHater. Original version included lots of ALL CAP words and very stupid puns that Yeti find are hallmark of person who primarily interact with world via Internet comment.)
OK, let's see. Hawkins live in Idaho, then live in Colorado. Yeti like both places. This human probably not all bad. This human involved in football. Yeti indifferent to football, but understand why human could enjoy it -- team sports important when human physically incapable of accomplishing anything on own.
The more Yeti think about it, Yeti not really care about Dan Hawkins, but dislike Buff4LifeHawkinsHater very much. This human write stupid things.
Sleep with one eye open (because Yeti planning on drawing on your face with Sharpie).
Condolences,
Yeti
