M adonna is shaking in her sweaty jockstrap on account of her impending halftime Super Bowl performance.

"First of all, it's the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl is kind of like the holiest of holy in America," she told Anderson Cooper. "I'm going to come in halfway between the church experience and I'm going to have to deliver a sermon that's going to have to be very impactful."

1. "Impactful" is not a word.

2. Take a divergence from Janet (Miss Jackson, if you're nasty) and keep those cones in your bra.

3. "Scandalous Madonna" was so 2003 MTV VMAs. (Music Television Video Music Awards) OMG. (Oh my God.) ASS. (Short for "asshole" in caps.)

4. Tape and tuck, that leotard hugs your junk.

What a jackass

George Clooney's ex, Elisabetta Canalis, is sucking on Steve-o's rat-tinged tongue.

Apparently the "Jackass" star took a break from jamming shit into his orifices to clean up Clooney's aisle three (Italian).

Steve-o bagged the bella brand of Damien Fahey.

Stay with me. Canalis was an Italian MTV VJ for "TRL." OMG. (Go back to sleep, "Total Request Live" was canceled in 2008.)

So, besides dating Clooney, that sweet little tushy de tortellini is a C-grade actress.

Suck on that, Steve-o.

Maybe Canalis found a steed who won't purge her into the Adriatic after mopping up aisle GNC*, like Clooney.

*Stacy Keibler, Clooney's new squeeze, was once a professional wrestler with WWE. Right.

Quote of the week

NFL madman Terrell Owens said in an interview, featured in February's GQ:

"I don't have no friends. I don't want no friends. That's how I feel."

You're special.

Now, bend over (ruler smack). Double negative times deux, foo.

"I don't have no friends": So, then, you have friends... yeah?

Well, I don't see no friends. As in, I physically do not see "no friends."

(Moron.)

Aside from pursuing acting, a home-décor line, running a barbershop and other dim-witted endeavors, let's glance at his present: Texas indoor football, bitches.

T.O. is co-owner and player for the Allen Wranglers.

Oh, T.O.

Rodeo.

Like a bro.

Slap dem hos.

Do-si-do.

Headline of the week

"Kim Kardashian's New Hair Color: All the Details!"

There's a red tint to it.

Color me mistaken, but I sense that detail will suffice.