christy fantz
Christy Fantz

D ear Tupac,

Hey! Oh! Oh! Hey!

Tony Danza here.

Just thought I'd be really awkward and write you a letter while you're in the clink. We probably have one thing in common? I never faced social inequality and injustice, but I really like Skittles. Everybody likes Skittles, right?

Can we be pen pals?

Let's chase the rainbow. I can settle with just tasting the rainbow. I like the Tropical Skittles.

I hope you're in a good gang in there.

Postscript: Who's the boss? I'm totally the boss, right? Not that whore Judith Light. I've endured years of therapy for the degradation of my "boss" status by false claims that Judith was, indeed, the boss. Fuck Angela.

P.P.S.: Can I borrow a bandana? I'm testing out a new look.

P.P.S.S. West Coast, bitches.

Best friends forever,

Tony D.

Yo Danza,

Why the fuck are you writing me? I'm in jail, bitch. The last thing I want to do is hear from some weird white dude.

Unsubscribe.

--Pac

Apparently Danza told Access Hollywood he had a befriended Tupac Shakur while the late rapper was in jail in 1995.

I bet.

Hopefully Tupac won't hatch out of the Secret Island Where Rappers Go When They "Die." (Because they don't go to heaven where the angels fly.)

They go to a place where the Cristal flows like Black Panther bullets and booties bounce like Kobe Bryant's basketballs.

I guess Danza's snatching at any chance to be in the glint of media's sparkly eye.

Oh, and relax. Biggie's stronghold is on the East Coast of the island.

Whew.

Lower than Lohan

For once in Lindsay Lohan's disaster (dubbed life), she's gaining pity.

Trending the celeb-iverse is Lindsay's mom Dina, who made a complete shittard of herself on Dr. Phil -- prompting critics to suck sympathy from sold-out souls for the actress, whose disastrous family dynamic has (allegedly) shaped her being.

(Mr. -- nay, "doctor" -- Phil McGraw chaps my ass. Sidenote.)

The broad was slurring senseless on screen in an interview to a confused "Dr." Phil.

"You have come on here and been phony and inauthentic," McGraw said to her on Monday when the episode aired.

Dina responded like a every pretty lady would and flipped the camera two birds.

"That doesn't help," Phil said.

"Truth will prevail," she responded.

Nice one, Dina. Solid comeback.