christy fantz
Christy Fantz

D ear Christy,

My boyfriend always uses the phrase "bump uglies" for sex. It is so annoying. How can I make him stop?

--Turned off

Hop on:

Let me guess...

He has a thin stripe on his face he dubs "beard." He's a white boy who sounds like he's from Detroit. He grabs his crotch and says "you know what I'm sayin'" after every sentence. He actually hails from Southern California, as heir to a preppy oil magnate.


Well it sounds like something Eminem would say.

And everyone else if it were 1997.

Do you think his use of "bumping uglies" is in any way testimony to you? For all we know, you're a mess down there -- like a weird inside-out parts; or maybe you sport a bush that would make Questlove crave Rogaine.

Or perhaps you Vagazzle that prize like a Disney Princess' beaver.

Regardless, ugly is all just relative. We plow pretties, good sir.

Just tell him it turns you off. If he doesn't stop, then maybe you should shut the hell up take a Midol. At least you're getting laid.

Dear Christy,

This guy I'm dating is constantly down on himself. We usually have a good time together, but when he's down, he's brings me down. Sometimes it goes on for weeks and he refuses to go on anti-depressants. Should I stick it out, or bail? By the way, he's well-endowed.


Shits and grins:

We really don't have enough time to waste in this world on soggy Snuggies.


Or Huggies. (Speak for myself.)

(Oh, and thanks for that futile scrap of information at the tail end of your query. So he has a large member. Super. We don't much care for the size of your man-in-Eeyore clothing. He must accelerate his Audi with his gigantic penis. Congratulations.)

Disdain aside, clinical depression is a serious ailment. Yes, nonconformists, sometimes there is a need for anti-depressants. Instead of stuffing panic attacks in a colostomy sack, I prefer to pop a pill for anxiety.

However, when all we want to do is spank a prairie dog and dip a Nutty Bar in whiskey, there will be kids out there who like to rupture our rapture.

Avoid the being of burden and tell him to see a counselor.

Smart people spend money to go to fancy school to drink from the stein of Siggy Freud. (Pet name.) They can help make our gray cloud turn (choose your favorite color) with counseling, meds or various therapies.

If he's unwilling to have Splenda pumped into his sour face and laugh, then he may need time to get his shit together el solo.

Sure, you're a loving comrade, but if he is still bringing you down, beat it. Spend life spooning and smiling instead of pooping and crying.

Good talk.