christy fantz
Christy Fantz

S o, is it July out there, or what?

Not even a petite complaint.

However, since the weather is going to dip into the throes of Yakutsk, Russia, this weekend (not really, I'm just a Sally), I am going to map out a cheap Friday night in Denver you, my sugar tushes.

Let's drink warm, stay warm and get drunk. I mean, imbibe like adults.

First, be sure to hop on the BMX Friday afternoon. It takes you straight to downtown Denver's Market Street Station for free with your student ID.

Grab a slice or pie at Two-Fisted Mario's, 1626 Market St., Denver (303-623-3523), directly across from the bus station. Take the Italian eats next door to Double Daughter's Salotto (also owned by Mario Guccio, and dedicated to the memory of his whimsical conjoined-twin daughters who passed in 2001) and stuff your face in what looks like Tim Burton's lounge.

The awe-inspiring sculpted trees strung with lights, blood-red booths and trendy drinks will shove your psyche in Alice's rabbit hole.

After some grease and padding, walk that cheese off as you head to the Pepsi Center, 1000 Chopper Cir., Denver (303-405-1100), and watch the Nuggets take on the Utah Jazz at 8:30 p.m. A special promotion for tonight's game is "Guys Night Out" -- $59 will get you two tickets, two beers and two T-shirts. That's pretty sweet, considering one beer probably costs $12. (Where's the love for the broads, Nugs?)

After the game, head to LoDo's, 1946 Market St., Denver (303-293-8555), where you can suck on long Island Iced Teas for just a buck from 10 p.m.-midnight (along with $1 Bud Lights and Jager shots). Be sure to watch your step -- don't trip over the gaggle of one-night stands.

Now that you're all slurry and shit, go dance your buzz off at Beta, 1909 Blake St., Denver (303-383-1909), where one of Boulder's own, Dirt Monkey, will spin his dubstep along with dance beats from Jack Beats.

HEED! Last bus to Boulder leaves Market Street Station at 2:20 a.m., so unless you want to pitch a tent in my backyard (I bet you do), or spend your rent money on a cab, get your ass to the station because the next one doesn't leave until 6:08 a.m. I suppose you could spoon my transient buddy Smokey in the Jesus Saves alley, but it's supposed to be balmy 34 degrees for a low. So maybe just catch the bus.

Damn I'm good. This is a great evening for you sprightly young folk.

You're welcome.

(Note: Ladies, I know this is Colorado, but pair those tube tops and fuck-me heels with a jacket. You just look dumb when you prance around with no clothes on in the winter.)

Good talk.

Ralphie!

I'm a Florida Gator, so I always said that if I ever ate alligator I'd be a cannibal. Dirty, dirty cannibal.

I presume you Buffs roll the same?

Although bison is delish (and lean), it's quite tough to eat a mascot.

Instead, why don't you go watch one get carved up?

Oh dear.

The Museum of Contemporary Art, 1485 Delgany St., Denver (303-298-7554), is hosting Art Meets Beast festival - Bison Carving and Food Pornography Friday night from 6:30-8:30 p.m.

Pete Marczyk, of Denver market Marczyk Fine Food -- fancy cheeses, meats, a grocery store for fancy in the know -- will carve an entire bison. Check it out for $5.

Run, Ralphie, run!