christy fantz
Christy Fantz

Dear Christy,

My girlfriend spent a fuckton of money on a new snowboard over Thanksgiving weekend. Then, she said she didn't want to exchange gifts this year because "Christmas is too materialistic." I call bullshit -- she spent all her Christmas cash on her new board. What's the appropriate way to punish her behavior?

-- I want presents

 

As you should:

Well, my little sugarplum fairy, you can't punish an adult for her behavior -- unless it's your pet cockroach defecating on your toothbrush nightly, without heeding a tinker's damn. (I said cock.)

Alas, it does seem unfair, but she can't be spanked for spending her own cash. You'll have to take some stealthy steps to reprimand this broad like the adolescents we aspire to be.

Tell her that you were planning on buying two tickets to (insert whatever fluffy shit you kids do for romanticizing these days). However, since said gift exchange is on her consumerist prohibition freeze, you're going to opt for a trip to Vegas with your bestie. (Strippers! Gun shows! Craps! Boy shit!)

It appears she's evading a boyfriend purchase to gratify herself -- which is fine -- but she's gotta stuff her bitching in an eco-friendly sack whilst you proclaim (in Spanglish, clearly):

"(Term of endearment), let's not exchange gifts. I'll spend my dinero on that pimp-ass bicicleta I've been eyeing."

So, now instead of spending money on trivial shit -- like a gold tampon for her Subaru -- you get something (else) you can play with.

Crisis averted.

'Tis the season to be juvenile.

Like the rapper. Back that ass up.

 

Dear Christy,

With the holidays coming up, I'm getting worried that my boyfriend is going to propose. He's a good guy, but is he husband material? I don't know. What should I do to discourage this without bringing it up or breaking up?

--Unsure

 

Ensure:

Let's feminine-douche this out and RepHresh: Is he husband material, you ask?

Husband material to one is vastly different to that of another.

Does he have diamonds dripping off his nutsack? Then, yes. We bitches concur.

Holidays do prove to be popular merriment with the eagerly betrothed, so you should be scared. It seems you aren't ready to marry him.

Sit him down and have a "future plans" talk -- where does he see his life going in a year? Then you voice your future plans -- which clearly include two single pirates, drunk at sea.

Remember: an engagement doesn't mean your Chucks are stuck in wet cement.

(I picture you wearing Chucks like I picture that guy up there speaking Spanglish.)

Good talk.