christy fantz
Christy Fantz

M ichael Jackson heirs are filling out late-daddy's high-water pants (easy, he's dead) by showbizzing it like crotch-grabbing bosses.

The super-spawn won't be utilizing late-poppa's vocal chops -- as they have the DNA of a test tube and turkey baster -- but instead the two elders of Michael's three kids, Prince, 16, and Paris, 14, are taking the on-camera route.

Prince is slated to appear in a guest role on CW's "90210" as a trauma victim who bonds with Silver (Jessica Stroup).

"I'm looking to become well-rounded as a producer, director, screenwriter and actor," Prince told Entertainment Tonight.

Me too, pal.

Then, the blue-eyed daughter Paris Jackson, 14, (holy gorgeous, Billie Jean) will star in a family-friendly flick about a dolphin-turned-human. (Joey Fatone also stars. Dibs, Redbox.)

Alas, where there's a Jackson, there's a reaction: Aunt Janet* is apparently not happy with the tweens' moonwalk to fame. (Paris and Prince hide her nose in the backyard and that keeps her preoccupied for days.)

The pair wants to break away from the famous family and be their own "talent."

"I just don't think the title 'M.J.'s daughter' fits me," Paris said in an interview last year. "A lot of people think he's the only reason I'm making it."

Holy nepotism, Solange, I'll be the judge of this. Let's round up a caucus: I'll need a Baldwin, an Estevez, a Jolie-Pitt and a priest.


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(Also little Jacksons: Pray tell us who your daddy is?)

*It's Janet... Ms. Jackson if you're nasty.

Ain't that a kick in the crotch

Some broad got a shoo-in at a One Direction show in Glasgow.

(Zeus on a zebra, dire pun, Fantz.)

Harry Styles got pounded in the nuts by a girl's shoe that was chucked on stage. (The girl desperately wanted to meet the heartthrob, so her first shoe hit the stage while the second hit his junky jewels.)

Styles bowed down in pain -- but relax sweet little puberties -- he bounced back and performed the rest of the set.

Aw. Now Taylor Swift has a different GIF to rub one out to.

You're inappropriate.

Finally

Aw. Jennifer Aniston found someone to put her ego to bed.

Word on the red-carpeted street is, she and her fiancé Justin Theroux are planning a small affair to exchange their conjugality's bodily fluids this summer(ish).

"She plans on privately changing her name to Theroux," a "source" told People mag. "She likes the way it sounds and jokes that [Jennifer Theroux] sounds very posh."

Posh.

Now spit out some spawn and hush your pretty teeth.