People magazine named Gwyneth Paltrow 2013's "Most Beautiful Woman" in its new issue.
The internet outrage is quite amusing.
(Solid timing with "Iron Man 3" coming out next week. Ethics in journalism, Time Warner. Google it.)
As for the crown, I would've gone with Norm Macdonald, but I'm of no consequence.
Why Paltrow? She's old(ish) Hollywood money, raised by actress mommy Blythe Danner and film director Bruce Paltrow.
She's on halfway to the EGOT, with an Emmy and an Oscar. (We've seen her sing, and watched that Grammy gallop straight out of the karaoke joint. A Tony would be more likely.)
She's long, attractive, a talented actress (cynicism aside) with a British rock star husband and two cute kids with stupid names.
However, we stamp good ol' Gwyn as elitist.
She's a haughty asshole. I know she's tall and shit, but her high horse rides taller than Clint Eastwood's does. And Daily columnist Jeanine Fritz told me that nobody rides higher than him. Nobody. (I've still got an inch.5 on Gwyneth. I can kick her ass.)
We don't hate her because she's beautiful. We're just pissed because beauty comes from within. (Cue string quartet.) Gwyneth's soul is arrogance flavored. It looks like the contents of Beyonce's Louis Vuitton suitcase: diamonds and farts. (Plus Gwyn is BFF with Beyonce and Mr. Z. She would.)
And where has this shiny actress been all year when Kerry Washington, Jennifer Lawrence, Zooey Deschanel, Michelle Obama and Chris Christie are more worthy of the praise?
Writing horseshit on her stupid Goop blog or bleaching her starfish.
I'll say it again: Tell your husband to stop crooning. It's growing bluegrass and electric out there, Coldplay. Ambient rock was so 2002.
Who's sick of seeing Kim Kardashian heavy with child?
Lower your voice.
Let's talk assholes:
No. 1: Her mom, Kris Jenner. She has recently been sporting a phone case that reads "Queen of Fucking Everything."
She's so pretty. She reminds me of a Russian matryoshka dolls. Doll inside a doll, inside a doll, inside a doll, inside a doll, inside a doll. (Leave it on loop.)
Upon shedding layers of each doll -- aside from cellulose and silicone -- a refined Hollywood star is revealed.
And by Hollywood star, I mean heiress to her late lawyer husband's bank account. (You're fucking welcome, says a one-gloved O. J.)
No. 2: Lauryn Hill. She owes the IRS $968,000. She apparently signed a million-dollar recording deal with Sony in which she'll use to pay off her debt. A swimming plan, I'm sure.
You're Hill-ing me softly, Lauren. You bet I just typed that.
No. 3: Ben Affleck. He's challenging himself to live on $1.50 for one day, signing up to take the Live Below the Line challenge.
Welcome to a day in the life of a normal person. We'll fax you a shiny trophy, you gluttonous wang.
No.4: Matthew McConaughey. Because.