I think I ate old meat for lunch.

Unlike educated fools, I need to get home and watch the presidential debate and possibly visit the toilet first. So in the esteemed words of the bathhouse: I'm going to pound this out. (The column, not John Travolta.)

By the time you read this, the debate will be over. (I'm vintage.) But currently as I pre-debate pen this, I'm faced with gripping questions:

Did Trump rub one out beforehand?

Does Hillary have on a stress-incontinence diaper?

Will Lester Holt take a hot mic into the men's room after eating old meat?

Should I drink one more cup of coffee?

When will this old meat exit my body?

Do people really bleach their assholes?

Fantz (Kent Eanes / NBC)

Things of that nature.

Getting into the political spirit, I'd like to offer a fictional assortment of presidential candidates, ribbed for your pleasure.

Jack Donaghy

A man whose throw pillow reads: "Ambition is the willingness to kill the things you love and eat them to survive."

Alec Baldwin's character in "30 Rock" is the big mentor to my little pony. He drinks on the job, he's a man of bravado and is constantly quipped with solid advice — like, "never go with a hippie to a second location."

Why he'd succeed: "What do we elites do when we screw up? We pretend it never happened and give ourselves a giant bonus."

Lucille Bluth


The "Arrested Development" matriarch mistakes a prescription pill "drowsy-eye" alcohol warning for a "winking-eye" alcohol suggestion.

She eats vodka for breakfast. She can drink Johnny Football under the table. She plays Malory Archer in fake life.

I'd marry this broad, but I'd steer clear of that musty old claptrap.

Why she'd succeed: "I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it."

Ron Swanson

"Don't half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing," says the "Parks and Rec" character who one-fourth-asses government to make things less effective. Plus, he hates talking to people.

He plays Nick Offerman in real life (and off-time plows Megan Mullally) and he gets paid to silently drink whiskey in front of a roaring fire.

Why he'd succeed: "When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them."

Tina Belcher

This 13-year-old, horny little broad on "Bob's Burgers" is the inner-teenager of all pre-pubescent girls. And the voice of a middle-aged man.


She's packed with solid facts like: "If boys had uteruses, they'd be called duderuses," "If we see any mermaids I'm gonna ask them where their merginas are" and "I'm no hero. I just put my bra on one boob at a time."

Why she'd succeed: "My crotch is itchy."

Frank Reynolds for VP

Frank is a narcissistic asshole. He's the worst. But I'd totally hire that fool from "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" to be my centaur. With a Welsh Corgi body, obviously.

Why he'd succeed: "I'm not gonna be buried in a grave. When I'm dead, just throw me in the trash."

Them for president.

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