Dear Christy,

My new boyfriend looks like a model. His fabulous body, package, teeth, hair and style are highlighted even more by his great confidence, personality and values. The kicker: His face is a bit screwed up. I'm not fully attracted to him, especially in conversation while staring at his wonky face. His features are all weirdly close together. There, I said it. I may be superficial, but OMG I can't help it. How do I get past this?

— Anonymous

Jane D'oh:

I'll make your decision easy. CTRL+C, +V and +P this bitch and set it on his kitchen counter beside a Roman candle, a glass of gasoline and a lighter:

Dear Sloth Fratelli,

Fantz
Fantz

Your face is vile. I dig the lot of you, but gazing at your face makes me want to poop on a pile of vomit. Or vomit on a pile of poop. Regardless, I don't like pooping on piles of vomit. Or vomiting on piles of poop.

Would you entertain plastic surgery? If the chances are less than 99 percent, I can likely stick around. But let me know ASAP. I'm mulling whether I have the tolerance to stare at that thing atop your perfect body for more than 60 seconds.

While you debate going under the knife, can I put a bag over your head when we smash genitals? We can use a King Soopers' reusable tote — it has breathable fabric. I'll order one emblazoned with Beck's face. You can sing me "Loser" while I erotically asphyxiate, dominate and humiliate you.

Now, pour this glass of sauce on your face (draw an arrow to the gasoline) and light this special candle (draw an arrow to the Roman Candle). I'll swing by later tonight to see if you blew that charcuterie right off your face. If you didn't, let's discuss reconstructive surgery in the dark.

—That broad you're dating

Although some humans may hold dear to superficial tendencies, beating the confidence out of a person is pure evil. You said he has great self-esteem, so he should be dating somebody who helps build his empire of charm instead of smashing his self-worth into a pile of vomit and poop.

Nobody's perfect, and if your man's face is his only flaw, well, "Cuss you," shouts humankind. The flaws we live with are the flaws we love with, or some horseshit like that. Imperfection is human.

You're going to die alone.

Cough. Honesty is appreciated, but if you can't move forward, you should probably leave to pursue that man you'll never find. Call me in 20 years and I'll teach you how to Swiffer out crotch cobwebs. As seen on TV.

Fantz:

Is it true that if you shave your pubes, they'll grow back thicker and faster?

— Cleaning Up House

Mow that Lawn:

A simple, intelligent internet search will tell you no. I will also tell you no, and berate you for asking.

The Mayo Clinic says that shaving gives the hair a blunt tip at the end of the shaft, making it seem more coarse, thick and dark — when, indeed, it is not.

Your dad says that shaving your shaft while smoking a blunt gives your tip a technicolor hue and a hankering for tacos — when, indeed, it does not.

Shaft!

Good talk.

Read more Fantz: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk her: twitter.com/fantzypants