I know a newspaper is semi-liberal with its firewall, but you google some weird things. Not that you're in trouble, but, we'd like to know what you do in your spare time?
—IT Department of Christmas Past
It's been eight years.
Eight years I've been soiling my granny panties, waiting for you to ask.
After all these years I've been googling sex sauce, furry communities and Nicki Minaj's exploding implants. Lindsay Lohan's nip slips, cannabis lube and Ashley Madison. Adult arcades, erotic zones and butt plugs.
And now you've come to question me.
Let me explain.
It may seem that while I'm slapping national news on the page, I suddenly have a hankering for a sloppy gangbang. But I'm really researching a question I received for my NSFW column, as I slouch in my ergonomic chair, hoping reporters walking behind me don't see what's populating the results page.
I, personally, am not interested in donning an adult diaper and soiling myself while I erotically dance for my partner. But I see your confusion.
You may think I'm swinger...
You may think I subscribe to Furry of the Month Club...
You may think I have glory holes dotting my abode....
You may think I take golden showers...
To answer your question: In my spare time, I like to party.
On Tuesday (today) People's "Sexiest Man Alive" will be revealed. Do you have any guesses as to who it will be? Or do you care? Minds are curious.
—Loving Our Sexy Men
I don't really care, but I like to talk, so I'll humor you.
This year is People's 30th year of the Sexiest Man Alive contest. What a milestones, pals. The very first was Mel Gibson in 1985. Then he ate a Catholic racist.
The magazine was always the source and brunt of my fodder the years as I penned my "Hollywood Headaches" column. But since I've spit out a spawn and feigned adult (society, man), I've been more into reading shampoo bottles on the toilet.
But I did once care. So I know you're not alone.
My mom-in-law has received every single People magazine in the mail since the first issue, March 4, 1974, which featured actress Mia Farrow. Thanks for making print media go, Mom2, and thanks for supporting my profession. Damn impressive.
Go hug a Colorado Daily, friends.
And now to answer your question: It should be Husband, but maybe next year. (Get a room.)
If I were editor, I'd slap Madonna's arms on the cover as Sexiest Man Alive.
Oh. A dude. Jared Leto?
Right. A dude. I don't know, five bucks says People taps Matt Damon again. You know, "Martian" and family values and all.
If I'm right, you owe me $5. If I'm wrong, let's just get back to googling dirty starfishes and deadbeat dongs.
Christy Fantz: twitter.com/fantzypants