It's your favorite "Silver Foxes" from Vic's. Despite our group dealing with multiple surgeries, rehabs, injuries, staph infections, falling down, broken facial bones, pets dying and even tooth extractions as of late, we are bracing ourselves for another holiday season of giving and being thankful for all the good. We were trying to think of a good charity to support, despite our dwindling finances from skyrocketing medical costs, and buying $4 coffee drinks every day. Do you have any suggestions, or do you think we should simply donate our money to a local hospital as sort of a pay-ahead program?
—The Silver Foxes
My dear, sweet, sagging souls. It's refreshing to see you're still pumping blood after last night's herniated disk at the pinochle party. (That discard pile was far from equidistant. I agree.)
Before I get into which one of my bank accounts you fellas can deposit your charity (that's what she said), heed these tips for your ailments:
•For surgery/injuries: Install furniture bumpers, chase Midol with purple drank, throw on Kenny G. and tear that place apart.
•For staph infections: Zip up sores before leaving the house. (See: Duct tape, Krazy Glue, Laffy Taffy, Kraft singles.) And don't leave tampons in for too long.
•When you fall: Get your shit together, Foxes. Who are you, Christy Fantz? I've broken enough ankle bones for the slew of us. Try to keep your equilibrium as intact as your libido.
•When a pet dies: See "surgery/injuries." Throw in a Fantz hug.
•When you break facial bones: Stop lassoing your canes to Sia's "Chandelier." Or at least hand-check your mates before pulling any cowgirl stripper dance moves.
•In the event of tooth extractions: Blend three-parts ice, eight-parts whiskey and two-parts Orajel. Blaze a fat J and settle in for a Lifetime movie marathon.
As we celebrate a week of gratitude, pondering donations while sifting through a mess of bills is a sweet step in the human direction. Check out ColoradoGives.org, it's resource that connects users to various Colorado charities.
Or shove some money down the pants of a cause that you hold dear. Like my medical bills. (Wear gloves, they're riddled with crabs.)
If I were you, I wouldn't pool your money into a collective medical bill bank — but I also wouldn't have a hot rack, so take this advice with a grain of bath salts: We should hold out for millennials to create us robot bodies.
Imagine getting pissed (not mad, but British drunk), throwing yourself down a flight of concrete stairs and simply screwing your torso back on. (Or, leave it off and let the wife take it for a ride while you settle into an episode of "Family Feud.")
As for flushing cash on coffee, don't think of it that way. We all have vices, habits, treats. If $4 coffee a day makes life smile bigger, then don't sweat the caffeine crunch. But if opening your wallet to charity would boost your psyche, then cut a day or two out.
I'm thankful for you, my Silver Foxes, for reading my column and giving me smiles.
Now stop making me say nice shit. And go change your diaper. It smells like Greeley in here.