Forget Eat-Till-You-Crap-Yourself Thursday and National PeopleofWalmart.com Friday: The real reason to celebrate is #SmallBusinessSaturday.
Behold! We bring you the comprehensive Boulderite gift-buying guide, all available from businesses based right here in the Republic. Shop smart and stay weird.
For your future dealer:
We all rejoiced when pot became legal in CO. But that 10 percent state marijuana tax really eats into your monthly Ramen budget.
Introducing the personal home-grow monitoring system, for the savviest of home growers, brought to you by the brilliant folks at startup Leaf. It's app-enabled, so you can check in on your sweet, tender buds all day from your phone. Plug, plan and toke.
Sure, $1,500 is a bit steep. But don't think of it as a gift: Think of it as an investment in your future smoke stash. ( getleaf.co; $100 deposit plus $1,400 due at shipping, sometime in mid-2016)
For the organic, antibiotic- and hormone-free, vegan, gluten intolerant, Paleo, non-dairy, anti-GMO (but totally not picky) eaters:
Cardboard. It's the only thing left.
Just kidding. Pretty sure Honeydew Raindrop won't thank you for that. But she (or he, LBH) might thank you for this: A set of cleansing juices from Zeal that fall under the all-of-the-above category. ( zealfood.com; $70 for one-day; $180 for three-day)
Because nothing says "Merry Christmas" like explosive diarrhea.
For the urban camper:
They're in every park in the city, usually in groups of five, slacklining. Sure, they say they're "staying with friends" but we all know they got bounced from their $2,000 a month apartment when their request for a raise at the burger joint was gracefully denied.
Give those happy hippies a hand with the TreePod. Because somebody in Boulder should be able to afford to live here. (starting at $350 pledge on Kickstarter; http://kck.st/1NO8ikb)
For the guy who grinds your gears:
And now, a joke: How do you know when somebody who bikes to work walks into a room?
They tell you.
We all know one of those guys, and finally there's a shop with gear to match their aggressively elitist personalities: Endurance Conspiracy.
Their graphic Ts and hats walk the fine line between pretension and casual cool, with slogans like "The Fit Shall Inherit the Earth" and images of Chewbacca, Darth Vader and Storm Troopers on single speeds.
Don't worry; you can still wear them on the couch while binge-watching GoT. (online at enduranceconspiracy.com or at 1717 Pearl Street; $20-$35)
For your crazy cats, lady:
Holidays are stressful for pets: The drunken relatives, the snotty kids, the incessant Mariah Carey Christmas ballads. (OK, OK: That's my list of peeves. But I'm sure Fido ain't too fond of the former Mrs. Cannon either. Probably her worst notes are one only dogs can hear.)
Pamper your pooch or pussy (hey-o!) this season with a massage — they come to you! ( 4theluvofdogz.com; $35-$75) For cosmically stressed-out pets, delve into your feline's past lives with a reading from the Psychic Horizons Center, available on Mondays or via phone. ($75-$150/hour)
For the girl on the go:
You know when you're in the middle of your 100-mile ultra trail run and there's no good bushes to pop a squat behind? Yeah, me neither, but Boulder is chock-full of kick-ass females who log more miles in a week than I've had sexual partners.
Give the gift of sweet, sweet relief to the wonder woman in your life with the Gotta Go Skirt, which lets you drain the main (lady) vein without revealing your moneymaker to the world. Technically not available yet (the Kickstarter just closed) but they'll be coming to skirtsports.com soon.
For all the lonely (old) people:
You've packed it up and headed off to college, and now your sad-sack single momma bird is moping around her empty nest, draining her savings like Lindsay Lohan at an open bar to finance your education.
Don't let her die alone: This Christmas, shell out the average cost of a decent 12-pack and sign her up for Silvernest, ( silvernest.com) the Baby Boomer roommate matching service. $14.99 covers a background check (no hiding your late-night shenanigans now, mama), and in less than a week she can be shackin' up with her new roomie.
Shay Castle: twitter.com/shayshinecastle