Dear Christy,

What do you do when your adult husband reverts to acting like a 20 year-old frat boy when he goes home for the holidays? His mom babies him and does everything for him and it drives me crazy.

—The Wife

Oh, Wife:

Men on mom's holiday are like teenage boys with an ingrown ball hair. They revert to age Little Bitch, fall short of having mommy kiss boo-boos (balls off Thanksgiving's table, man) and evade inquiries for assistance.

Disclaimer: Husband cooked my perky turkey (yeah he did) and all its fixin' friends while I housed wine on the couch, so I've been rendered yell-free.


Just like when the apocalyptic Man Flu drops, when some men are in Vicinity Mom, they default to spoiled teens. Sexism aside — some women do too. We've just built up life's tolerances by pushing humans out of our crotch and, you know, growing a pair.

Alas, a man's spoiled behavior only grows as far as his mom's reach. Has he always been spoiled? Is he overtly dependent? All signs may point to mom.

Sure, most mothers emotionally and physically spoil us brats. I know from experience on both sides. I remember my first flu in the dorm. My fire-hot tears rolling down my fevered face were crying out only for mommy. And if I asked her to drive two-and-a-half hours to come save me from Lucifer's 104-degree orgy under my skin, she would have. As would I for my spawn.


You can't interfere with the mom/child relationship. So unfortunately, unless you want to start World War In-Law, you can't pull mom's teat out of your big baby's mouth. But you can tell him to take his tampon out.

Be thankful the holidays are only a few days a year. Then it's back into the cold, hard wife's arms where there's no sugar unless she squeals first.

Now that I totally hated on men, Husband, will you bang me tonight?

Dear Fantz,

Since my last relationship ended 25 months ago, I've been in a bit of a rut. When I look in the mirror I don't see an Orc... but apparently I'm quite skilled at scaring away the opposite sex. Any advice?

—Not an Orc


I had to google Orc. What a loser. (Adios, nerd cred: I've never read/watched Tolkien.)

It's all about confidence. I know I sound like some Tony Robbins asshole who rolled around in New Age hippies, but the way one carries oneself is really a big part of what can draws others in.

Every day, look at yourself in your best mirror, in the best light and walk out that door tall with a big smile on your face. Own every step you take. When you talk to the opposite sex, be calm, be yourself and avoid heavy topics. Find common interests, hook a good conversation and don't let it go.

You're not an Orc. You've just fallen into a little hole — 25 months is... dammit people, I do words, not math... 2.5 years? In the grand scheme of life, that's just a sliver.

Be careful what you wish for, once you find true love, you'll spend the rest of your life trying to divorce it.

I jest.

If worse comes to worse, just drop your drawers.

Go get 'em, tiger.

Read more Fantz: Stalk her: