Jeanine Fritz pens the column "I'm Not There" for the Colorado Daily every Monday. Her poignant prose and entertaining life events will make you yell, "I know!" and "great googly moogly!" (Or something like that.) Get to know your pal, Jeanine. She's not Godzilla in real life, but she plays him sometimes on the streets of Boulder.

Describe what one day in your life looks like.

Ever seen a cat stuffed into a pair of pantyhose? Like that, but with more scratching.

What would you do for a Klondike bar?

Very little, unless the Klondike bar has a speed boat stuck to it.

What or who is your favorite furry animal? Fake or real.

Nick Offerman, no question.

Fritz and a cat on a hat.
Fritz and a cat on a hat. (Colorado Daily)

Would you rather lick a hospital's doorknobs or slurp a booze shot off of a bar floor?

I'm goin' doorknobs here. Hospitals make the effort to be clean, putting those hand sanitizer stations all over the place and wearing gloves and stuff. At a bar, they just swirl around a dirty mop with yesterday's mopsludge still stuck in it. Doesn't matter if that shot is 100 percent alcohol; I'm not putting my mouth near a bar floor.

If you could have one superpower, what would it be?

I want to say invisibility, because I'm imagining being naughty and not getting caught-y. I could rob banks and give the dough to the poor, like a sexy lady Robin Hood who doesn't have to wear pants because nobody can see her "special purpose." Invisibility could really up my prank game, too. "Dammit, who ate my lunch out of the work fridge again? This isn't funny!" (But it would be.)


Advertisement

Flying's definitely not an option. I don't understand why Superman doesn't wear, at the very least, a pair of goggles — there's got to be a ton of gnats and stuff just stuck all over his face and in his teeth when he lands. I'd abuse the shit out of mind control, so I'm not gonna choose that. I'm thinking of all the different superheroes and all their different powers but my all time favorite is Batman and his powers are money and angst. I've got the angst, so I just need the dough. And if I was invisible, I could do heists until I have Batman Money, and then use said Batman Money to do a better job of robbing from the rich and giving to the poor. So, yeah. Invisibility. No pants.

What or who inspired you to become a writer?

One of my earliest memories is doing spelling homework with my mom, the kind where you have to use the spelling word in a sentence. I remember her suggesting we tie all the sentences together and make them into a story. Doing that made the homework a lot more fun, and yes, I do mean MORE fun, and no, I'm not being sarcastic; I fucking loved school. Encouraging storytelling backfired on Ma a bit, though, since that soon led to outrageous lies. I'd make up unbelievable explanations for shit I did but didn't wanna be blamed for: the reason my hair was mysteriously cut, the reason my name was scratched into the windowsill, the reason I shouted "fuck" in the middle of Mrs. Martyn's second-grade class. So I'd say the combo lyin' and spellin' made me wanna write. Lyin' and spellin's like rhymin' and stealin', but less lucrative.

What's your favorite smell?

Speed boat.

What are your thoughts on hashtags?

#annoyingthereforeamusing

What's the most important thing in your life right now?

All of a sudden being invisible feels pretty important. That's kind of on you though.

Would you rather have world peace or $1 million?

World peace — I'm not a monster.

Read more Fritz: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk her: twitter.com/J9Fritzy.