Dear Christy,

I've have a permanent falling out with my best friend in the past year. She has been a top-notch bitch to me time and again throughout our 15 years of friendship and I got fed up with it. We've grown apart, so I'm not losing sleep over it, but she's talking mad shit to our mutual friends. I'm sick of her drama, her meanness, her talking down to me and behind my back. Should I say something? Call her out on Facebook? Or just let it go?

—Sick of Mean Girls

Lindsay Lohan:

She got fired for a reason. And after you kicked the bitch to the curb, now you're second-hand witnessing how she handles dissention.

Fantz
Fantz

She's a patronizing gossip who is further twisting a dull-ass plastic butter knife between your ribs. (Ribs. I had ribs for lunch.) With her shining credentials, any quality friends you have will take what she says with a guarded ear.

Friendships change over time, so definitely don't lose sleep over it. From the childhood blood sisters (smashing flesh and mingling blood on the driveway), to high school besties (wiping breakup tears with dated prom threads); to college chums (the good ones); to post-college party pals (nursing one another through whatever ride your resume is taking — and street drugs); to work homies (who turn happy hour into the best meal).

Who will stick around? Who will go Judas?

Who knows.


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But when they start to poison your life, it's time to purge. (Just like those fools on Facebook, "I'm cleaning house." Nobody gives a shit.) You don't need to send her an invite to your Go Fuck Yourself party or air her dirty granny panties on social media — take the high road and wash her off. (With lye.) You've grown apart and she's bitter. Remember the fond memories, own your decision and get out there and find that next bitch to add to your collection.

Now scat. I have a lube problem ahead.

Christy:

I tried this tingly lube over winter break with my girlfriend when we were secret sexing in her parent's garage. We both got rashes and couldn't stop scratching ourselves at Christmas dinner. Now her dad is not nice to me anymore. I can't just tell him that it was bad lube I boned his daughter with. Any suggestions?

—Itchy and scratchy

Homer:

Mmm. A little yeast infection with that holiday ham.

You should probably leave it up to your broad to break the news to daddy that her cherry was popped, unless you want a puffy eye to go with puffy privates. Just keep your mouth shut and let it play out.

But next time you're "secret sexing," throw in some romance, boy. Try a little foreplay and watch the magic of natural lube. And maybe not in a garage.

Read more Fantz: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk her: twitter.com/fantzypants.