Our columnist and your pal Gavin Griffin is taking a column break to focus on a job that actually pays him (newspapers, am I right, GG?), so this week we're going to sub for his "Millecular" tokens of truth with some banter on modern trends.
Brooklyn is the new hipster. It's actually the new beard. Hipster is so 2009. (Or 1940, for ye jazz aficionados.)
But since the New York borough is a growing hotbed for trends, music and bedbugs, Brooklynites have currently been spreading mom jeans faster than HPV moving through Canyon City. Cough.
High-waisted jeans, fine. Stonewashed, we'll deal. Pegged at the hem, whatever. But this new trend of high-waisted, puffy front pleats does nothing for that FUPA.
Fat Upper Pubic Area.
Under the sea
Kale, it's time for you to kick rocks. Your bitter leaves house prison cell belly gas and you are soon to be replaced by seaweed, says the World Wide Web and Co. Thanks for playing.
Many are boasting the sea vegetable is rich with minerals, fiber, antioxidants and good fats. Now instead of stretching a 99-cent head of iceberg lettuce into five lunches, I can make one small seaweed salad for only like $30 a gram. (This figure is unsupported and pulled out of my ass.)
Spoiler alert! Foodie trends for 2018 are pointing to the rise of edible cannabis salads, dressed with a blanket of crystal resin.
Spoiler alert deux! Trends for 2017 point to Fantz murdering the word "foodie."
Speaking of annoying shit...
Those how-to food videos dousing social media are like an empty IV bag sucking the blood dry out of a thirsty arm.
Since I'm over it, I'm speaking for all of us by saying we need to pump some new life into how-to videos. Here's a list I came up with while reading about yeast infections.
•How to milk a piece of rice
•How to cut an emoji
•How to make an astronaut fart
•How to talk like Bobcat Goldthwait
•How to cast a magic spell
•How to grow a big ass booty
•How to get Grandma stoned
•How to appropriately use apostrophes
The list is open for suggestions.
I'd like to thank the Academy for awarding itself the Biggest Drama of the Year award — second time in a row. On Sunday, a bunch of fancy white people will dictate what we should go see, which cinema types should be paid more and what or who gets an "Oscar-winning" stamp on DVD covers. Do we still watch DVDs? I'm not sure. My VHS tape is stuck in the Laser Disc player so I just watch public broadcasting.
Instead, read the results Sunday night and save three hours of your time by flipping over to NBC at 7:30 p.m. to watch Marky Mark (sans the Funky Bunch) in "Ted" — commercials and all.