Every week, Big Sister answers your questions about love and life using that special brand of unsolicited advice, sadism, and back-of-the arm pinching only a big sister can deliver.

Dear Big Sister,

I just got a new job. It's a sales position and I'm worried I don't dress nicely enough. Can you recommend a few pieces I could inexpensively add to my wardrobe to up my game?

Sincerely,

Janice

Dear Janice,

Did you know you were adopted? You were. You were left on the doorstep by gypsies passing through town. They were gonna leave you with the Lobster Boy but decided you smelled too bad for the circus and left you in a fish bucket on Mom and Dad's porch. Mom and Dad thought you were really ugly, but they kept you anyway because they needed someone to do the dinner dishes every night. The never told you because they didn't want you to stop doing the dishes. Buy yourself a black suit; you can mix and match jewelry and blouses.

Fritz
Fritz

Dear Big Sister,

I just asked my girlfriend to marry me. (She said yes!) We want to have the wedding in June, but I want to hold it in Massachusetts where my family is from, and she wants to have it here in Colorado where her family is. How do we solve this problem?

Thanks,

Will

Dear Will,

Why are you hitting yourself? Stop hitting yourself! It's like your hands have a mind of their own! They're smacking out a rhythm on your face that sounds like, "Old MacDonald Had a SMACK!" Uh-oh, is that spit heading towards your open mouth? Whoopsadaisy! Looks you'll be having the wedding with spit in your hair.

Dear Big Sister,


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I think my friends are talking behind my back. I wish they would just say what they have to say to me so we could deal with it openly. Every time I try to bring it up though, they say I'm worrying for nothing. I don't know what to do. Can you help me?

Sincerely,

Simone

Dear Simone,

Invite them over for a slumber party. When they fall asleep, cut their hair. The next day, blame it on your little brother. He's so dumb. (Not as dumb as you though.)

Dear Big Sister,

Do you think it's too early to start my summer garden? The warm weather has me chomping at the bit to get started, but I'm worried about one of those massive March snowstorms. What do you think?

Thanks,

Jim

Dear Jim,

You're walking home from swim practice. I'm taking the car to the mall, and I don't want everyone puking at the sight of your face.

Dear Big Sister,

A couple of months ago, you mentioned a particular shade of lipstick — Carrie Red — as the best for writing discouraging things on your little sister's mirror. I've also noticed it looks great with my coloring. Now, whenever I have to feel my best, I wear it! Thanks for the hot tip!

Your friend,

Gladys

Dear Gladys,

STOP COPYING ME

Read more Fritz: coloradodaily.com/ columnists. Stalk her: twitter.com@J9Fritzy.