This world is so hypersensitive. We all need to take a giant step back and realize some people are jokesters and are not trying to spread discrimination and that some of us are just full of comedy and wit. My girlfriend's best friend, for one, flies into a fit of rage when anybody says anything remotely close to disparaging women. I am in NO WAY misogynistic, but i think people need to LIGHTEN UP. I feel like I can't open my mouth in front of her for fear of saying something wrong.
—Just a fun guy
This world appears to be moving towards a trend of label-axing. This is something you should embrace, dick. (I used your genitalia in a disparaging way. Suck on that.)
Feel free to joke, but don't be a jerk. If you're left uncertain of something you'd like to say, leave it unsaid. If you have a pressing need to spit non-P.C. jargon out of your burrito hole, tell it to your cat in the privacy of your own home. (Then go make me a burrito.)
Maybe people are emotionally oversensitive, but isn't it better to practice diligence than disrespect? What's your biggest insecurity? Would you feel comfortable if "jokesters" beat around your biggest self-doubt? Just because a tone leaks sarcasm, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt someone.
There's a difference between slapstick antics and derogatory disgrace. When the world learns the true difference, then we can all ridicule one another. Now go hug your neighbor, damn hippies.
I read one of your columns a while back when you said you needed a "millennial au pair." Has the position been filled? If you make me an offer, I'd be willing to help you millennialize your life.
—The Millennial For You
I feel like this is a dirty Craigslist transaction. I need an old priest and a shower.
Not an old priest in a shower. Nor an old priest watching me shower.
About this position...
I did pen my need for a millennial au pair in a column last fall, thanks for reading. Gen X marks my spot and I often fail to keep tabs on what I should be keeping tabs on. Like how did I miss the Cadbury Creme Egg stuffed-crust pizza from Pizza Hut in Britain last year? Where did Amanda Bynes go? Does Shia LaBeouf still have a rat tail? How are Taco Bell's new quesalupas? Why did John Elway think Mark Sanchez was a good idea? Can you and your pals recreate the Butt Fumble in slo-mo for me?
This is the sort of shit you need to be on top of.
Please send me a list of your services, availability and talents (including, but not limited to: technology, figuring out how I can win Publisher's Clearing House, seeing how fast you can clear a busy bar for me and telling me what Steve Harvey's astrological sign is).
In closing, since my job pays me in Gambian pounds, Civil War tokens, vintage banknotes and occasional pizza, I probably can't afford you.
But remember, millennials crashing in your parents' basement: It's the experience on your resume that matters, not the cash.
Plus, I'm a good time.