You know those people who avoid artificial food coloring because it's not natural? I bet they never pulled their pants down in a dark alley to squirt out green beer. (No patience for bathroom lines, kids. None.)
Some of us have more fun than others.
For those who tout today's holiday as "amateur hour," we'll allow you to return to your regularly scheduled dull existence.
For those who enjoy being Irish for a day, here are some events around town that will totally banger your mash. And shepherd your pie. Not sure what those mean, but let's brainstorm. In the meantime, get to drinking, that food dye awaits your belly.
Conor O'Neill's, 1922 13th St., will obviously be your first stop as the bar opens at 8 a.m and will be filled with bagpipers, fiddlers and irish dancers all day. The night caps off with Mumbouli live at 9 p.m.
Fate Brewing: Along with some festive menu items, like bangers 'n' mash, irish beer stew and shepherd's pie, the brewery has Nitro Irish Dry Stout and Irish Red Ale on tap.
Boulder Theater, 2032 14th St., is hosting a free St. Patrick's Day Party at 5:30-11 p.m., and will kick off its inaugural year of Kegs & Cabbage with music by The Al Capones and Pro-Leisure, Irish fare by Savory Cuisines and $5 Boulder Beers and Jameson.
West End Tavern, 926 Pearl St., will fill your belly with beer braised corn beef, bangers and mash and stout braised short rib and your liver with whiskey and beer. Irish dancers start at 4 p.m. and a DJ will spin tunes at 8 p.m.
Shine Restaurant and Gathering Place, 2027 13th St., will have an evening of music, live art, poetry and food for its St. Patricks Day with Dream Box event from 7:30-10:30 p.m., $15 suggested donation.
Wesley Student Center, 1290 Folsom St., will host its Celtic Infused Delight with live music from singer-songwriter Heatherlyn at 7:30 p.m. $10-15 suggested donation for students.
The Walrus, 1911 11th St., will celebrate St. Paddy's with $2.50 call drinks (including green beer, obviously) for everyone all night long and music by DJ Mr Groove.
Absinthe House, 1109 Walnut St., didn't list any St. Pat's activities, but DJPetey will provide the tunes and it's ladies night on Thursdays, so go enjoy free drinks, ladies, from 9 p.m.-close.
Owsley's Golden Road, will be raging green with tunes from New Speedway Boogie in its St. Patricks Day Blowout from 7-11 p.m. $10
Dark Horse Saloon, also didn't notate whether it was celebrating the green holiday or not, but tonight is karaoke night, so go bust out some jigs and odes to The Emerald Isle.
No Name Bar, 1325 Broadway St., has music from The Moth, The Sun, & The Stallion, but will probably not have green beer. Just a guess.
Lazy Dog, 1346 Pearl St., is hosing a St. Patty's Day album release party by Tenth Mountain Division at 10 p.m.
Boulder student-centric bars: If I missed you, your website probably sucks. Come on, it's 2016. Get on it.