I found my dog chewing on my boyfriend's toothbrush over the weekend. I cleaned it with hot water, but am I a bitch if I don't get him a new one?

— Cheap Lady

Potty Mouth:

A little bit. Toothbrushes are less than $5. You should get him a new one.

Let me count the reasons, which run long and wide (apropos, tell your dad I'll call him later):

•There's chew marks on the plastic, fool.

•When you kiss your lover, you'll also be frenching your pup.


•Hot water is fancy, but it doesn't disinfect. In order to disinfect, the water has to be at least 212 degrees, the world wide web told me, but most humans can only tolerate a temperature of up to 110 degrees. (I'm assuming you'd be in the hospital with third-degree burns instead of typing your mean scheme to me. This means the toothbrush hasn't been disinfected. )

•Do you brush your doggie's teeth? I didn't think so.

•My Great Pyrenees eats her own shit. Maybe your dog does too. So now you're making out with your dog and eating his shit.

•My Great Pyrenees also eats goose shit. Now a waterfowl's in the mix. Next, the alley squirrel will be vying to join. Look at the mess you've made.


Buy him a new toothbrush, cheap ass.

Dear Christy,

Over spring break, my friends dared me to wear a man thong on the beach. I'm normally a timid guy, but we were in Florida where I don't know anyone, so why the hell not. But now my ass looks like a couple of big tomatoes, I am so burnt and hurt. Every time I sit down in class, it looks like I have a bad case of hemorrhoids. Any tips ?

—The ass in class


Let's slather some olive oil, mozzarella and basil on those cheeks and toss that caprese salad.

Why didn't you smother and cover yourself in SPF3million, fool?

Too late for that question.

Let's look at the sunny-side up: You are now gifted with a super sweet thong burn. This is a perfect opportunity to climb out of your timid shell and put those ass tomatoes on display. Wear them as an accessory. It's a funny burn, it's a good story. People need to see it. You must move quickly. Blisters will soon surface (gross) and the tan will fade. Only you can make this a lasting campus memory.

Assuming you won't take my storied advice, here are some practical tips:

•Stuff an adult diaper with ice packs to ease the pain.

•Get a pimp cane and pretend you threw out your back. Any uncomfortable movements or garish screams can be blamed on the damn sciatica.

•Pop Midol for emotional distress and Vagisil for pH balance.

•Whiskey for rage.

•Have an awkward pal lube your backside nightly with aloe.

It's too late to be timid. Your bum is has already been wallpapered on random spring breakers' social media accounts. So in short, we've all seen your ass. Now it can star on YouTube.

Read more Fantz: Stalk her: