Dear Christy,

What is the etiquette on getting down and dirty with a guy at a club? I'd like to just jump in there, but maybe I'm too eager. What would Fantz do?

—Dancing Machine

Dancey Pants:

Fantz wouldn't go to a club. Sorry. It's never been my bag.

However, if I was forced at gunpoint, I would come baked and equipped with adult diapers and nicotine patches. I'd plant my ass belly-up and slip the barkeep extra cash to ensure my drink was never empty. I'd slur jokes to disinterested patrons who are trying to pass 12 shots over my shoulder. Then I'd take my sticky arms outside to smoke and never return.

But that's just what Fantz would do. Hey, you asked.

Fantz
Fantz

Most people need liquid courage to dry hump a fellow club patron, so if you have the spirit to get that antsy pelvis right in there, then knock 'em and sock hop 'em, pal.

Keep in mind some pointers:

• If it's 8:45 p.m. and there's only one dude on the floor, let him work out his weird waltz before you Butabi-brothers pounce.

•Practice a super sweet routine and put it into action.

•Don't really do that.

•Do not grope, fondle or squish other patrons' body parts. Touching another person's privates without consent is sexual assault.

•If anyone looks uncomfortable with your bold moves, abort mission. Find next dude.

Now that you're packed with good pointers, get that ass bouncing and those moves pouncing.


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And don't call me again. Please don't make me go back.

Christy,

A guy I started dating has long nails on only one hand. Like long, groomed and filed nails. It's weird. And not something you find out on Tinder. Would I be a bitch if I dumped him for not cutting his nails?

—Man Scratch Fever

Nailed It:

Oh, anything that runneth over society's shotglass is "weird." When things fall outside the standard fold, we condemn it.

But sure, it's kinda weird. (Suck on that, society.)

Perhaps he plays a stringed instrument? I know a couple a dudes who grow their nails to enhance guitar fingerpicking. Maybe he snorts cocaine off his nail plates and didn't want the pinky nail to be the lone outlaw.

If he's a gem otherwise and you're dumping him because his nails are forging their natural course, I wouldn't say you were a bitch, I'd just patronize your standards. If you forever nitpick the small stuff, at age 40 you'll wind up drinking your own tears mixed with wine and snacking on beef jerky dipped in Cheez Whiz while bingeing season 324 of "Dancing With the Stars.

You would.

However, if his claws are atop a mounding pile of negatives, then release him back to the Tinder wild.

Read more Fantz: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk her: twitter.com/fantzypants