I won't be able to turn a column in this week because my idiot boyfriend fell into a lake and his phone was in his pocket. He was standing on the dock getting ready to cast his line in when the wind picked up. (Taking us all fishing in a storm is just the kind of fun he's into.)
Anyway, the wind was pushing his nearly-empty tackle box into the water and as he leaned over to grab it, the next thing you know, he's in the drink. My friend who observed the fall said it was incredible: Josh basically tipped straight into the lake, hands outstretched towards the tackle box, which he caught in the air, just in time to pull it into the water with him.
I wish I'd seen it happen because A) watching someone chase a tackle box off a dock and into the water seems like comic gold; and B) I was kinda cranky, what with the sun being gone and the wind and rain picking up right when we finally made it to the lake, and seeing something like that would've cheered me up, no question; and C) I've been waiting years for the perfect moment to yell "TIMBER!" as someone is falling, but without getting in trouble afterwards for being a dick. He didn't get hurt, he just got wet. It would've been perfect.
As it were, I was walking our dogs back to the dock to let him know I was going home to eat a burrito and watch television and that I'd pick him up when he was done. Luckily for me, he was already done, heading back to the truck soaking wet, laughing his ass off — also very good because I really tried to gauge his mood before laughing, but I couldn't hold it in any longer when I saw he'd been submerged. I once tripped and fell into a duck pond at the zoo and my boyfriend laughed so hard he cried. I didn't think it was funny until few months later. In them moment, I was pretty concerned about goose turds in my hair.
I bet Josh had goose turds in his hair. He smelled terrible.
Anyway, I have to run into town to go get my old iPhone and see if he can do a SIM card swap so I won't have time today to write you anything good. I hope you're not too mad at me. If you are, try to picture The Dude (yes, I'm dating a Big Lebowski doppelganger) falling headfirst into a lake. Maybe it will cheer you up. If not, I still hope you can excuse me from this week's column.