Internet dating is like ordering a hamburger at the drive through and suddenly discovering at the second window that the hamburger has made other plans.

It's depressing enough without having to hear your date launch into an invective about all forms of government being evil and unnecessary, and the world being a better place without them.

They really need a Tinder for Wingnuts.

Last week, I had been texting with a woman who seemed really nice. We had a lot in common. We both like tacos and ...

She invited me over to her house for coffee and conversation, and I accepted. After informing someone of my whereabouts (in the unlikely event she was a human trafficker), I took a leisurely jaunt to the suburbs south of Boulder County after work.

I had been slightly perturbed when she texted the night before that the police should be outlawed because they tell other people what to do. She seemed nonplussed when I replied that police are good because they arrest child molesters.

Hungry for companionship, however, I chalked it up to a text message disconnect. Sometimes it's difficult to effectively communicate on that medium. World War I started over a poorly placed emoji.

I arrived at her place, and she informed me we would be chatting in her garage. I entered and sat down at a table littered with empty beer cans, dead cigarette lighters and, oddly enough, a pacemaker that kept going off.

"Don't worry about that," she said. "It belonged to my roommate's uncle. She's waiting for it to die so her boyfriend can hack it."


Warning: The following is a dramatic reenactment of the conversation that followed, about 45 minutes in. I try not to smoke cigarettes, but I was bumming quite a few of hers.

"Do you need a light?" she asked.

"No, I'll just light it off the end of this one."

"So ... tell me one reason we actually need a government," she inquired, never breaking eye contact.

My stock answer to this question has always been Somalia. There's a reason "Black Hawk Down" isn't a romantic comedy.

So I took a shot.


"Tell me another place."

"Um, Libya?"

"And another."

"Mad Max: Fury Road."

"And you really think those places would be better with a government telling people how to live their lives? Why can't they just do it themselves?"

"Seen any good movies lately?"

"By the way, racism is over in America," she said.

"Hey, I just realized I've got to get going. I'm being castrated in the morning, and I should really get some sleep."

I bought a hamburger on the way home. It was delicious.

Epilogue: Liking tacos is not a sufficient enough reason to hang out with someone. In the future, vet people a little more thoroughly.

Anyway, I need to go. I'm trimming my cat's toenails tonight, he typed, weeping softly over his keyboard.

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