This story was dictated to me during a camping trip by a man who wishes to remain anonymous. The locations, names, and brands of underwear have been changed to protect the innocent. And also the guilty.
"It all started with a large bowl of mushroom soup. Followed by a mushroom sandwich and a salad, curiously topped with more mushrooms."
"Do mushrooms make you poop?" Xena, Warrior Princess asked.
"This day they did," he replied.
"It was somewhere around the second Guinness that I felt a chambering deep in my gut, which would henceforth be known as The Bowels of Mordor.
"I tried to gracefully excuse myself from the table, but I'm sure the sweat lining my brown belied my desperfate situation. I made it to the bathroom with time to spare. Or so I thought.
"It was kind of a nice restaurant. The bathroom was no different. It had the little towels rolled up into a pyramid of cleanliness. Gorgeous tile floors. And — and this is important — full-length urinals. They don't make 'em like that anymore.
"I knocked politely on the stall door and paced furiously. On the other side there was no evidence of activity. I briefly wondered if it was empty, but after checking for shoes, it was clearly occupied. He was in there for like 15 minutes, but it felt like 15 days.
"The sweat was now pouring off me and I could wait no longer. I edged towards the urinals. Little boys when they pee, you see, drop their pants all the way to the ground. As you get older, you learn to just open the fly and call it good. Today, I returned to my early beginnings, dropping my pants and Jockeys down to my ankles, and the explosive force of my butt lava mercifully worked in my favor, as the stream shot away from my body, hitting the back wall of the urinal."
"Was it noisy?" Xena, Warrior Princess asked.
"It was an all-tile bathroom, so yes, there was an echo. I think they felt it all the way in the ladies room.
"About this time, the guy comes out of the stall. He was in a white button-down shirt, black pants and had an apron around his waist. He clearly worked at the restaurant and had been taking his 15-minute break in the one place he thought he could have some peace. The horror in his eyes, as he took assessment of the scene before him, is burned into my brain."
"You explosively pooped in front of a stranger," Xena, Warrior Princess whispered. "It's like a nightmare."
"Yes. Yes, it was. The restaurant worker left, wordlessly and without washing his hands. I tried to flush away the evidence, to no avail. I pulled my pants to my knees and waded into the stall, quickly realizing my underwear had not survived the blast. Splashback is a bitch.
"I stuffed my poopy underwear behind the toilet, filled with shame. Why I didn't throw them away right then and there is beyond me.
"I returned to the table, pretending nothing had happened.
"The next day, from the road, I sent a telegram: Emergency in Bathroom. Stop. Please find underwear behind toilet. Stop. Send to [ADDRESS]. Stop. Might wanna slow down on the mushrooms. Full stop."