Well, hello there. Come here often?
Pleased to meetcha. Although, you know, you look familiar. Maybe we've already met on campus or on a trail. Or maybe you've seen me yelling along to some Weird Al while we were both waiting at a stoplight. Because I've been kicking around this city since I was 3 years old. I've lived here, went to college here and work here, but always very much behind the scenes. Until now.
Yessir, there's a new editor in town. After years of working in the news, I finally got my name in the paper. Here's a handful of brownie points to any perceptive Sherlocks who noticed that fine-print change a few days ago. Gather enough by the end of the year and you can exchange them for a crisp high five.
Now before you freak out, let me assure you that my saucy and esteemed predecessor Christy Fantz is still alive and fabulous and dispensing dank nugs of wisdom via her weekly column. You'll actually see more of her stories now, because she'll be shooting the breeze with hordes of musicians, artists and comedians in her new job as features reporter at the Daily Camera. And I'm not replacing John Bear's column. Bear With Me will resume its regularly scheduled broadcast next week. You can all breathe that sigh of relief now.
The helm may have changed hands, but that doesn't mean you have to brace for an extreme makeover. The Colorado Daily still aims to deliver nutritious news smothered with a heaping dose of tasty entertainment, with the occasional bits of irreverence and profanity sprinkled on top. But just because Fantzy Pants and I share the same mission doesn't mean I'm her carbon copy. For instance, she prefers American whiskey while my poison is Irish. She says potato, and I say, "What's taters, Precious?" She could wipe the floor with me in an arm wrestling match. But I'm pretty sure she can't give you a Vulcan salute with her left foot. So ha!
That's right, friends. Trekkie toes are possible if you believe in yourself and don't forget to stretch.
You may ask yourself, well, how did I get here? In addition to wowing the judges with barefoot party tricks, I built my success on video game gluttony, comic book consumption and a few well-timed sacrifices to the Old Ones. Oh, don't worry — I would never hurt a fly, let alone a fatted calf. But as it turns out, Cthulhu's a sucker for dirty jokes, and I was never gonna publish that zombie-themed collection anyway.
So here I am, at your service. Trust me when I say there's fun stuff in store. We're gonna fawn over pics of cute critters, talk about tunes, giggle like schoolgirls and get stupidly giddy over stories about Mars. (I mean, seriously, doesn't it make you grin like a maniac when you look up at that bright red pixel at night and remember we have freakin' robots rolling around up there, digging holes and taking selfies?)
I'll be seeing you ... in the future!