Bear
Bear

Stardate 2022: Well, Trump is halfway into his second term. Alec Baldwin's Trump impression from Saturday Night Live actually won the popular vote, but, you know ...

World War III didn't turn out to be as bad as everyone believed it would be, but World War IV has been much, much worse. The Cable News Wars of 2021 will go down as one of the darkest moments in history. Once again, misguided bigots torched all the KFCs in the nation, falsely believing the acronym to be somehow related to the LGBT community. After sounding out the letters, they soon realized they had made a terrible mistake and Thanksgiving was ruined.

As we all know, Congress immediately repealed Obamacare, so tens of millions of people now lack health insurance. Pencecare, however, offers all the free prayer you need to clear up that terminal colon cancer. You are also welcome to buy all the OxyContin you want. It's not free, however. That would just encourage all of those entitled cancer patients.

The federal government — now led by people who still think marijuana makes white women run off with "negro jazz musicians" — cracked down on states where marijuana was legalized. Aside from making tens of thousands of people lose their jobs, it didn't have any noticeable effect on marijuana consumption. People just started going back to that creepy, older guy Todd who lives down by the university even though he does not appear to have ever attended college. Todd can't get over the Kennedy assassination or stop talking about that time he got high with Neil Young.


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It is a darker time than ever for anyone who is black, gay, Mexican, any religion other than Christian or, god forbid, a woman. Quite frankly, if you aren't making more than $100,000 a year, it's not all that great being a straight white man, either.

After Trump appointed — and Congress confirmed — Sarah Palin to the Supreme Court, Roe vs. Wade was overturned and 28 states immediately outlawed abortion. It was a huge setback for women's rights and set off a domino effect of religiously motivated repression of sexual freedom. Congress passed laws banning premarital sex and postmarital sex other than for procreation, along with all birth control. Sex is now required by law to be as fast and unsatisfying as possible. The McConnell-Cruz Act of 2019 prohibits foreplay of any kind.

Of course, sport sex continued, albeit underground. Making anything as awesome as good sex illegal just makes it more awesome. The first widespread public revolt against the crackdown did not come until Congress passed a federal law making masturbation a felony offense. A widespread, bipartisan revolt spilled into the streets. Participants in the Rosy Palm Riots, as they have been called, looted cocoa butter and marched through the streets chanting "Keep your laws off my right hand!"

I'm proud to say that I'm not only a part of this social movement, I'm also its leader.

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